Meaning of Life

My husband is testing for a Firefighter/Paramedic position tomorrow.  I'm nervous... stressed.. anxious and many other things.  I have been praying and supporting him through this all and while I hope he does well, I don't know what to expect.  He left tonight so he could be there early to test.  That leaves me home with my sweet baby and pooch.

I've been applying for other jobs and thought it would be easy. I have a great resume and references. I was positive that I would be able to find a job, but now I am not sure.  300 applicants for one teaching position... unreal!  And unless I have an in, no principal has a desire to even glance at my application.  They look at the applications that they know of and go form their.  That's all they have time for.  I know it will work out, but boy is it stressful.

However, I am grateful I have the time to write today.  I need it. With Jeff gone, I get to focus on other things.  Usually I would want to spend time with him and I don't get to my list of items to do.  So today is the day the list gets done.

Patrick has started going to a babysitter for the day.  While I am teaching, Jeff is working in the mountains doing hard manual labor.  I'm grateful for the extra income, but it kills me to have to drop Patch off in the morning. Today it was so sweet to see him try to wave a 'goodbye' to his sitter.  He is happy there and he thinks it is fun to play with the other children there.  My friend is our sitter and I couldn't be more grateful.  She and I have been friends for a long time and I can't thank her enough. Still, I am jealous she gets to spend the day with my sweet boy and I don't.  But I would be jealous of someone teaching my class and not me.  Oh, the choices we have to make.

Tonight, as I put Patrick to sleep, we giggled as he popped his binki out of his mouth to pass it to me and then back to him.  He is such a great sharer. He was delirious with sleep and goofy as ever. I put him in his crib and he dozed almost instantly.  So, I shut the door and sat down to enjoy the view from my front room windows, with the sun gleaming through the trees outside.  Not 5 minutes after putting the boy down, he began to cry.  Then he began to wail.  He lost his binki.  Actually he threw it out of his crib.  One day he will figure it out that he can't get it if he does that. So I went in to retrieve it.

I got the binki and  he immediately snuggled on to my breast and fell asleep.  I didn't want to put him down. I needed his love and I needed to give him mine.  I sat and rocked with him for a few minutes, knowing that if I didn't put him back in his crib soon he would start to awake (he is not a cuddler, I have to sneak it in).  I just couldn't put him down. I am sooo blessed.  Even though there is much uncertainty in my life right now, I have an anchor.  So little and innocent, yet so steady.  He has no clue that he is keeping me together.  He and his blonde hair and big blue eyes, a two toothed grin, and the strongest baby legs this side of the country, Patch is my everything.

I never thought I would have a little blondee, and here he is.  Beyond perfect.  I can't help but think, "This might be how my mom thought when she held my brother. The blonde hair, the blue eyes.  Peace and love beyond anything humanly possible." Patch doesn't look like me.  Erik doesn't really look all like my parents either.  Did it matter, does it matter?  Patrick looks like birth mommy through and through. RonNell looks like her birth father, through and through.  Does that matter, did that ever matter to my parents?  No. And it doesn't matter to me. Patrick is my son and I can't imagine my life without him.  How did my mom feel when she held her adopted children?  Probably the exact same way as I feel holding Patch and as she felt when she held me and my other sisters.  Honestly, sometimes I forget that I didn't carry him, it doesn't matter.  I'm just grateful to be able to hold him, dry his tears, kiss his bumps and bruises and watch him grow.  I'm starting to understand the meaning of life. I thought I did before, but Patrick makes it more clear. Family and nothing else.

Easter

Our first Easter together, I'm in love. It was such a calm day. We woke up and frosted cupcakes for my Sunday school lesson. Went to church, enjoyed the great music and loved the lessons. I over shot the amount of batter I needed for the cupcakes so ended up making a lot of cupcakes and took them to some friends. Played with a super big and a super tiny dog. Patch loved it!!! I still over estimated the batter I had, so I made a two layered chocolate Easter cake and gave it to a family of 9 and loved hearing about how excited the kids got. We took naps and played in the yard. Ate homemade Mac and cheese with asparagus on the side and ended the day with the biggest strawberries of my life. Great day! We missed spending it with our extended family, but loved being together.

Bad day

Having a hard day. Had horrible dreams last night and just can't shake 'em. All day I was tired, under the weather, jealous, frustrated and just down.  I pray tomorrow will be better. 

Gratitude

Gratitude goes a long way.  I thrive off of a 'thank you' or 'good job'.  The other day one of my students stopped by to give me some 'brown e's'. Yes, they were e's cut out of brown paper left on my doorstep with a note for April Fool's.  I loved it! Luckily I looked outside just I time to stop them from driving away to share a good laugh.  Such a simple gesture, but the fact that they drove out to my house over our 1st grade spring break was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen.

I need to do more thank yous. Yep! It gives me anxiety thinking about handwriting thank you cards, so until I can get over that I will stick to phone calls or texts.  

Here are some thank you's I want to share now:

1. Thank you to my sweet husband for doing the dishes 90% of the time.

2. Thank you to my sweet boy and his cuddles right before he goes down for bed.

3. Thank you to his birth mom for being my friend.

4. Thank you to my parents for their support in all that I do.

5. Thank you to my siblings for fun times.

6. Thank you to God for everything

7. Thank you to friends who understand, or try to understand me.

8. Thank you to the sky for being so unpredictable. It keeps me entertained.

9. Thank you to science. I love you!

10. Thank you to Charlie for forcing me to take time to go outside and play.