Neurologist

I had a good day today. Patch is full of joy, curiosity and frustration. It takes everything in me to e patient with him sometimes, but I did. I took him to daycare today so that I could go with my parents to the neurologist. I Jason ask some tough questions and see what the next steps are for my 74 year old father with Parkinson's. No one wants to discuss it, but we have to. Emotionally it is hard, and I am not really allowing myself to think about it today, but I do need to talk about it. 

The rest of the day was productive. I went to school, emailed, made phone calls, took care of a receipt issue, talked to a friend, got a temple recomend and had a conference call about the art sketches for the book. 

I also saw a woman at the stake presidents office that doesn't like me. That made me feel bad. I also have a lot of mixed feelings about foster care. Ugh, poor kids! But I'm not sure what to do because I also have to think about what is best for Patch. My heart hurts now, but I was ok overall today.

Infertile

We found out that we can't have any children. I thought I was ok with it, but I'm not. There is no option for us. Jeff is totally infertile. This entire time I thought it was me. I'm so angry. I know there are much worse things, and that makes me feel guilty for feeling this way, but I can't help it. This is the worst thing in my life. I love adoption and foster care. I love my son and even though he has none of my genes, that doesn't change anything About who he is and what we are. He is my son and I'm his mother. But I hate the fact that God has taken that option away from us. I'm so mad at him. I want it to be my choice on how to find my kids. Why is it that so many assholes can have children and we can't even try! 

I'm so alone. All I want to do is talk to Pay about it, but I can't. I feel like I have to be strong for Jeff because the minute I broke down crying, he did too and I then shut off my feelings to help him. I understand what it feels like to feel broken. It sucks! I wanted to give him a baby, but I couldn't. Now the tables turned and he is feeling what I felt, and I can't make it worse for him. 

I can't talk to Patircks birth mom because that just seems too wired for me now. I already told her, but I was in this 'metal armor' mode where I didn't feel anything. I talked with a counselor this Wednesday as well and she did t help me at all. I couldn't let her in to communicate with her. I didn't want to feel. 

I don't know what I want now. Part of me wants to shut down and sleep. The other side wants to jump off a cliff in a flying squirrel suit and the other side of me wants to say 'screw God and all the bullshit that the 'gospel' teaches.

I definitely don't want to pray to God or to read, listen or think about anything LDS. All I feel is pain and anger. Why did my friend die? Why did God make Jeff infertile? Why do kids have to be born into horrible situations? How can an addict give birth to 10 kids and I can't even do it once? How can he allow innocent kids be born by disgusting humans? 

I know the answers. Life is not fair and many more 'Sunday school answers' but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to put up a front and act like I'm ok with this world. I'm not. And if one more person is going to tell me that things will be okay or that God has a plan for me I may scream! Who are they to say that? They don't know me or my relationship with God. That is such an asinine comment. And bless the person that says, "oh, I know someone who wasn't able to have kids, but they got pregnant after adopting!" I may kill them. 

I don't have that option. NO OPTION! NONE. And the only person that would somewhat understand is dead.