Im not crazy. It's not bipolar the way that most people think of it. I'm not manic (well, sometimes, but that's just because I'm crazy fun :) but I just have highs in the sense that I get hyper focused and then crash when my body doesn't get enough sleep or when my depression hits. I'm on meds now. They seem to be helping and the depression pills finally seem to be working. I see a big difference and so does Jeff. I take the same depression medicine as before, but now I add a mood stabilizer. I should have known, both of my sisters are on mood stabilizers and depression meds. I guess it runs in our genetics. I can totally be honest when I say I am grateful for modern day medicine. I feel like I am back , like I've been away for a long time and just watching myself go through the motions. It sounds weird but I feel more like me than I have iin over 12 years. It's beautiful.
That doesn't change the fact that the most wonderful things have happened to me while I struggled with knowing who I am and feeling complete. My lover boy, who found me and convinced me to give him a chance. I am sooooo glad I did. He has stuck with me through thick and thin. He learned about depression and tried everything he could to understand me. And the patience. I don't know where he gets it, but I couldn't do it without him. He is my soul mate and even though we are totally opposite, we have now turned into one comodity. Jeff and Cort, Cortney and Jeff. We are a package and I never want that to change.
Then there is my one, little, true, bundle of joy that encompasses my entire heart and glues everything else together. He fills all of the holes and inspires me to be better. My little boy, who makes me believe in God all over again, every minute of everyday. He is my miracle and my medicine. He makes me feel complete even though I know I'm not perfect. He loves me even though I get sad, mad, tired or just cranky. He does too ;). And we have so much silly, crazy and wacky fun together. What would I do without baby Ander? I know that my heart would have gaping wounds that would never have been able to heal. He really has changed me for the better. Cortney's miracle.
The other day Patrick told me he loved me for the first time. He says it when we tell him to, but this time he actually said it before anybody else did. We were cuddling on my bed and he got this look in his eyes and whispered, "luv ooo mommy." And then gave me a kiss. Talk about heart melting. How am I so lucky?
Patrick is growing like a weed. He talks up a storm and loves to read. He asks to sleep with books instead of stuffed animals. We got him off the Binki at nights, but Rosa is working on taking it away for nap times at daycare.
He likes to sing to himself, fix things, cook, wash dishes, take care of the dog 'best friend', and get gas. :) oh and he prays for lawn mowers, chainsaws, weed wackers, tractors, motorcycles and trucks. Man I love that kid.
Random note, I have a new friend too. Her name is Kathryn Ehlert. We a so similar. Same hair, tall, glasses, teach1stgrade, gluten free, no friends, and infertile. Truly, it's a little weird how similar we are. She is an intern and having quite the hard time. I help her a lot. I like to help. This is the first time since Pay died that I feel like I can open up to someone new. Now I'm crying. Why did that sweet girl have to go? Seriously, I know it is selfish, but i just want her back. I can still make new friends, but I sure miss my old one. Maybe I can talk to her in my dreams tonight. The last time I saw her in my dreams, I started crying in the dream because I missed her so much. She just looked at me and then the other people around me and gave them this look like, "don't worry, she will be okay." Then she gave me a wink and a smile and we continued working on the project we needed to finish.
I'm rereasing this and realizing how random it is. I guess that is what happens when I don't write for a while. Huh, oh well.
PS why do people use 😹 some people love the sticker/whatever, but I don't get it. I'd much rather read an actual word. Who knows, maybe my opinion will change. (I realize that was random, but I accidentally clicked on one and it came into my sentence, so I had to write about it.
