I don't get why things happen or why they don't. I've been so focused on trying to make sense of the why that slowly I stopped praying, listening to, and believing in a loving God. The scriptures say that even the elite will be deceived. In no way am I an elite, but I do want to keep my testimony. So for the past year I have been fighting to hold on while doubting absolutely everything. The only reason I didn't stop trying to believe is because of my son and the blessings I have received from Jeff. Every time he gives me a blessing it becomes so personal. This last time I feel like it has actually healed me.
Two Sunday's ago I came home in bad shape. Though I teach a Sunday school class and do a pretty good job doing it,relief society would always set me off. Sacrament meant nothing to me and many times I would have to fake my belief in the doctrine I was teaching. I didn't lie, but I didn't know if I believed it. I kept going because I'm a huge proponent of faking until you make it. Plus I wasn't ready to give up what gave me hope for one day seeing Patience again and for being an eternal family with Jeff and Patrick. So in a way I stayed because I was scared. I also stayed because of those blessings and the witnesses I have had in the past. I knew something had to be correct and hoped that I could move past the negatives.
So, back to two weeks ago. I came home really thinking that my faking it wasn't working and thinking that I needed to talk to the bishop and ask him to release me from my calling and just be on my way because me trying just wasn't working. I had stopped praying sometime after Pay died. And if I did pray, the heartfelt feeling was gone and I would bluntly tell God that I didn't want to talk to him, but to just let me talk to Pay. I fought Jeff on saying prayers at night and would act like I was too tired. I would say prayers with Patrick when ever I could because I still felt like he needed that comfort and knowledge and that I didn't have the right to take that away from him. Yet, in the back of my mind I think I did it because I still knew it, but couldn't believe. Then a month ago I slowly started to pray again, very simple and angry, but I started asking for a possible desire to open my heart. So I tried, I asked Jeff to monitor my media and help me to lessen my time on it. We made a prayer schedule, me odd days and he had the even. I tried to read scriptures a little too. But the feelings I would get were forced and felt unnatural.
So, when I came home two
Weeks ago and felt like giving up, I remembered a blessing Jeff gave to me and I begged God to talk to me. To show me that he still loves me and that he would fight for me. I cried in my car after dropping something off at my parents and came in the house. I had dried up my tears and asked for the blessing. Jeff asked what was going on and I told him that I didn't want to tell him. So, of course he knew that I was testing to see if the blessing was real or not. I was born with a questioning mind, sometimes that gets me in trouble. So Jeff prayed and started the blessing.
His blessings always start the same. ( your heavenly father loves you and you have a husband that loves you very much too.) but that changed quickly. Jeff's words became more deep and slow. His vocabulary changed and he sounded much calmer. Then he changed from talking about God to talking as if he was. Meaning, instead of saying he or him, he started using I. God told me that he knew I was questioning and having a hard time with losing my friend. He said that she was there with him. That she was special and sometimes He has greater plans for people and that he needs them with him sooner than they want. He said she was doing well and that she loved me. Then he said how much he missed me...(I'm crying now as I write this). He said that I used to talk to him often through out the day. I would talk to him while driving in the car or would ask him to stay and talk to me throughout the day. (Which I used to do very often and wouldn't end my morning prayers until much later in the day.) He said he missed that, and wants me back. He also promised me that one day he would sit me down and explain everything to me face to face. He pleaded with me to talk to him. And I couldn't help it. My heart changed, I actually wanted to talk to him. I wanted to call him father and I wanted to be close to him. I was finally free of the hatred and he made me whole.
Afterward, Jeff and I talked, and of
course I questioned him on why he said the things that he did. It's so funny because he is all serious when giving the blessing and right before and after he gets his normal attitude and relaxed tone of voice back.
The short of it is that I knew it was from God. The blessing was specific to me. My father wasn't mad at me for hating him so much. He wasn't angry because I fought against him. He was hurt that I wasn't taking to him and I could sense his pain because of it. He just wanted me home. He wanted me. And he still wants me.
I'm working hard to fight now. I'm working to strengthen my belief in the gospel and to let go of the judgment of the LDS culture and to let go of the imperfect parts of my religion. I'm working hard to focus on the main gospel principles charity, love, hope, faith, atonement and the plan of salvation. Because I know the priesthood is real, I know that the rest has to be true. It doesn't mean that it's perfect, but it's working toward it and I'm working toward it too.
The past weeks after the blessing have been wonderful. I still have bad moments, but I'm enjoying church. I actually liked it today and desired to share my testimony, not because of obligation or hope that I would feel something, but to actually share my experience and to thank my God.
Things are looking up. I think I will always have to fight for my belief. I'm not
One of those people who was born with simple faith and have the blessing of belief. I have to fight for it everyday, but I finally feel ready to do it, and it feels good.
