Own your mistakes

I'm sick of trying to be the good guy all the time. Why is it that some (definitely not all) of my friends think that I am someone so easily set aside. They are not to me. Why, even after someone hurts me, ignores me, refuses to forgive, do I still pray for them, worry for them and care about them. It would be so easy to lay out all of their faults, put it out in public for all to see, spew their poor choices on a canvas, but I don't. I don't want to do that to another human being. I don't want to do that to someone that I love. All I want is a friend that understands that I'm not perfect and never will be, but accepts me for the actual person I am and realizes that I have accepted them for who they are.

Moving has been super hard for me. I MISS MY HOME! I miss my neighborhood and the people who cared about me; I miss my dog, my school, my students, my house, my sister and my second families. Those people forgave me for my flaws. They saw my potential and built me up. All I feel now is crushing. Cushing from people that I have and still will do so much for. They just gave up on me and on my family. Why...because life is hard... Because it can be uncomfortable... Because you don't care about me or us anymore? Who knows why?

 I'm stressed, can't sleep. Mull over what I did wrong. But the thing is... that is exactly what these people want me to feel, wether they know they want it or not. Since they feel pain and heartache,  mine or other's fault, they want someone else to feel their pain. They want to have someone else hurting. They become manipulative, try to place blame for their sadness, become vindictive and want to cause pain. Possibly not knowing that that is precicly what they are doing when they wallow in self misery. I know that because I struggled with that when the depression hit. Do I intentionally want to cause pain.... No! But I tried to sabotage relationships that were good for me. Thank goodness for modern day medication and a wonderful husband and true friends to help me through it. 

I'm not going to let them make me feel like this. I have too many things to love and to fight to be happy for.

I hate to say this, but the world does not revolve around them, me, or any other person for that matter. This is an imperfect world, with very imperfect people. So get over it! Get over the fact that someone is not the person you thought they were, or that they hurt your feelings. Get over trying to blame your sadness on anyone but yourself. I had to. If happiness is a goal, you have to own your feelings, your actions and your life! 

 So, I guess if I were to ever talk to these friends (which I would be glad to... If they ever answer my calls) I would say something like this:

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have had similar moments in my life.  I don't, and can never understand exactly how you feel, but I will try my best to listen. To mourn with you and comfort you.  

However, you do not have the right to be manipulative or vengeful toward me or anyone else for the mistakes you have made or the feelings you have, unless I personally caused the heartache you feel. You need to own the things that belong to you. It will not help you to place blame where blame is not due. Though candid, I believe you would agree with me and would feel similar to me if the tables were turned.

Because I love you, sometimes I have told you things that you may not want to hear. I hate when you some one else does that to me, but I'm so grateful for those people who tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. I tell you the truth out of love and I honestly try to do it with compassion, though sometimes I am better at it than other times.

I love you and hope you can find your peace. I will be where, and when you need me, if you will let me. I will never stop praying for you and will always love you. I just hope that you can try to understand my perspective and forgive me for my faults like I forgive you for yours."

I don't know if I will ever be able to say that, but it makes me feel better writing it down. I'm not so hurt anymore. Most it I'm disapointed that I couldn't help my friends more. 

Someone told me that I can't save everyone. I hate that. I refused to believe it. Now I see what they were saying. Someone else told me that I can only help those that want my help. I guess that's true to. I don't like that thought either, but one thing that will always work, is to ask God to help them. I guess I will have to pray and trust God that he will help them when I can't.

 

Arm Hair

Once I thought J's arm was a mouse crawling on me in my sleep. Creepy! He has the hairiest arms and now Patch likes to grab the arm hairs. Ha ha!!!

Jeff found a job! Yay! I'm so grateful, but I'm nervous for him. He will be working with psychiatric patients and I don't want him hurt. However, I'm beyond thankful an have faith it will work the best for my sweet family.

Home loan

I don't think we will ever have a home of our own. Am I ok with that? No. It's too frustratin to think that I had worked sooo hard, but still can't get on my feet. I'm praying Jeff will get a job. I've been putting him through school and it has been beyond hard for us both. He's working hard to find something, but it's not easy.

Packing

I hate everything about packing. My classroom is 60% done. My house is 40% done and wow.... I'm tired. I had to stay at school late to pack. Jeff, patch and I got shave-ice and dinner together and then I had to get back to packing. J said P kept calling, "mama!" As he tried to fall asleep. :( I can't wait until I can be home with him all day. Maybe one day.

 

Hmmm....

I was driving to work today full of gratitude for my sweet boy and husband. Life has been rough the past few months. Moving, jobs, no jobs, baby teething, sickness, regret etc. 

I get stressed. But today I didn't want to feel it. Pay visited yesterday. Random. Part for her but a lot for me. I'm grateful for the visit, even though we had to scour  Walmart for keys. 

Baby boy, you said dada today. Poppy is sooo proud. You also give hugs to teddy bears, you started crawling on Mother's Day and you love saying more using signs. Growing up so fast.

Today I had to teach you no and you felt bad. But you stopped hitting me after I showed you my mad face. The you got extra sweet. I really think you understand. 

I don't want to...

Pride gets in the way of soooo much peace, and it is a HUGE down fall of mine. 

Things to remember not to do or be like:

1. Not willing to ask for a blessing.

2. Not willing to get counsel from a bishop because, "I'm the one that shouldn't need that."

3. Not willing to listen in a church class because I think I know more.

4. Not willing to admit that I'm wrong and instead argue my way around things.

Things to remember:

1. Our wonderful ward.

2. The great example of the church leaders. 

3. Focusing on the youth in all areas.

4. Being loving and inviting all to have fun. 

5. Being humbled by young 14-18 year olds in my Sunday school class.

Job

I got a new job. We felt we needed to move. Felt good about Jeff receiving a job too...He didn't get it. Questioning what we thought we knew. Questioning what our answer was, questioning if we made the right decision. 

This is the scripture that came to my mind. 

Section 123

16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

 (D&C 123)