I had been on the fence with taking Superman. He is still so fragile and only a little over a month old. He has also been fussy lately. I feel terrible when he cries and nothing I can do helps to get his gas bubbles out. So it wasn't surprising that when we got to the cave, I got a sinking feeling that I would not be going and neither would my son. Jeff felt the same way. Except he is more cautious than I so he had been against it from the beginning. It just takes me longer to realize the danger to things.
I was embarrassed to tell the rest of the family, so I made Jeff do it. Of course there was protest and not everyone understood, maybe no one did. But when I get a feeling I have to follow it. I don't know what would have happened, maybe nothing and maybe this was a little test from God to see if I would still listen to the spirit and put my son first instead of my own desires. Who knows, and who cares. The thing that matters is that I have a peace in my heart that wasn't there before.
Now Superman is sleeping in my arms, fast asleep. Dreaming of milk coated lips and a full belly. And as I look at him I fall more deeply in love. I'm memorizing his auburn tinted hair with blond roots forming. I'm memorizing his eyelashes that are just now starting to fill out. I'm memorizing the blood vessels that have created webs over his eyelids. I'm memorizing his tiny hands and how he likes to suck on his first two fingers and then looses them with the twitch of a reflex. I'm memorizing his long fingers and toes, and how his long feet have never fit in the newborn socks. I'm trying to memorize every detail, because I know the days vanish like a magic trick and soon they will be gone.
Maybe the spirit knew nothing would go wrong, but that I need to realize more of the beauty of my son. As that is the experience I need right now. It wasn't a sacrifice, it was a blessing.
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