Placement

I wonder why things happen the way that they do? It baffles me that one person's heartache can be another's miracle. In my case, superman was everyone's miracle. Miracle baby, we like to call him. Birth mommy was praying to find us as much as we were praying to find our child. Even though he is her miracle, the situation was still a heartache for her though. I've written about the placement in my personal journal, but I want to say a few things hear as well.

The day of placement was an emotional roller coaster for me. I felt terrible knowing that birth mommy would be going through emotions I couldn't understand and couldn't help her with. I was torn. How could I be so happy when the other party would be so sad. But I was happy. I was grateful. I was relieved that Father in Heaven had heard my constant prayers for a child.

That morning I was racing to find the gifts that I wanted for the Birth Mommy.  I had ordered something online a month earlier, but it was on back order and we didn't get it in time.  I was scrambling.  I was frustrated.  I wanted everything to go perfectly.  (To be honest, I really didn't know what to expect.  Everything happened so quickly, that we missed out on much of the preparation for the placement day.) Finally I found the perfect gift.  I hurried home to get ready to pick up our son and thought to myself, "Can I call him that yet?"  I felt guilty even thinking it.

My heart was racing and J had a calm, yet nervous attitude as we drove to the adoption agency.  We got there early. We sat in the car with the late morning sun shining into our CRV.  We had bought a new camera the week before to document everything, so we sat in our car and recorded a message for Superman, one from each of us. I wanted him to know how much we loved him, even before we saw or held him.

We knew Birth Mommy and her cousin were already meeting with the caseworker.  J and I couldn't wait to see Superman.  It had been three days since his birth.  It was killing me not being able to be part of his life for those few days.  I missed out on the birth, I missed out on his first feeding, I missed his first bath, his first burp, his first cuddle, his first everything.  I needed to see him, hold him, kiss him and show him that I loved him even from before birth.

Finally it was time.  The caseworker came to the lobby to show us into the placement room.  The tears started coming.  I forced them back, but lost it again when I saw Birth Mommy, her cousin and then little baby.  That first view of him was shocking.  I loved him.  I wanted to love on him, but I couldn't just yet.

Birth Mommy, started to go through all of the details of the birth.  At one point she let me hold him, then she needed him back.  I understood that.  It was a little awkward at first.  I didn't know what to say or what to do.  The feeling drastically changed once we all let our guards down.  We gave the gift and explained the meaning behind it.  It was a picture of Mary and baby Jesus.  (I do think of Birth Mommy as something more than just the carrier of our son.  She is the protector.  She is like Mary.  She is like our Father in Heaven. I don't want to go into all the reasons why I think that.  It is too personal, but I admire her more than anyone else for her courage to do what was best for superman.) She gave us a gift, a picture of Christ holding a lost lamb.  Attached was a letter to Superman.  It hangs in his room as we speak.  It watches over him like an angel.  I can't wait until he can understand the words from that letter.

As we spoke of our feelings of God and our feelings of love, the spirit of God entered the room.  It was tangible, like the moment when we first met with birth mommy to see if we needed to be his parents.  I didn't see anything, but I could feel an overwhelming love for everyone in the room. Tears came from everyone in the room.  Even J.

My favorite part was when J gave Superman his first blessing.  J gets extremely nervous when he gives anyone a blessing, but when he put his hands on Superman's head and spoke, it was not his own words.  It was our Father in Heaven.  He blessed him and expressed not only his love for him, but how he knew superman would always love his birth mommy.  J is such a good husband and Father.

We took pictures and tried to document everything.  When it was time for us to leave, birth mommy put superman in my arms.  Imediatly I was in love.  I cried and cried. I memorized his sweet face.  His big eyes and skinny legs.  He was soooo small! Oh and his hair! He had so much.  I couldn't believe that it was happening.  He found us! It was in a unique and difficult way, yet amazing. He has so many people who love him. In that moment, I knew he was special.  He has a good, strong heart and would change the people around him for the better.  He already had.  

I never wanted to put him down. I wanted him in my arms forever.  I wanted to memorize every part of his tiny body. I didnT want to forget this moment.  The moment he found us. He brought peace to my heart and soul.  I no longer had the emptiness in my heart.  I knew he was the part of my heart that had been missing.  

Yes heartache is painful.  It is painful for me to accept that I may never carry a child.  It is painful for birth mommy that she placed baby boy.  But something has come from all of that pain.  Love.  I love much deeper than before.  Birth mommy and I are friends and have a love for each other that we may never have had if we didn't have this connection.  Baby loves everyone, and everyone loves him too.  Itis difficult for me to understand the why's, but I don't doubt that God knows the why's and I'm ok with that.  

When birth mommy reads this, know this is for you "love always!"

Haircut

Superman ha his first haircut yesterday. What a handsome little devil he is. 

3 months

It's been over three months since superman came to us. I love him so much. I witnessed something new today. Someone accidentally ran into our bumper while I was driving to visit a friend. 

There was no damage and everyone was fine, but the mama bear in me came out. I unloaded on this poor girl who ran into us. Usually I would be checking to see if the other people are ok. Instead I didn't register anything about how young and scared she was. I just showed my teeth, dug my claws into her soul and made her promise to always keep her eyes on the road because she could have hurt my baby. Poor girl. Poor people who may unnintentually hurt my superman, because mama bear is fierce. 

Conference

I love general conference. I have to admit, that I do snooze at one point in the 10 hour conference ( which is split up between 3 different days). But I learn so much from it.

Yesterday there were many talks that were written for me. One I would like to talk about was given by Elder Holland. He always seems to know how to speak on topics that I need. He shared his thoughts of clinical depression. I have dealt with this for 10 years. Some years have been easier than others. My husband had to learn a great deal about depression. We have been married for 4 years now and he can now relate to me very well. It took a while because depression doesn't run in his family like it does mine. It was difficult for him to recognize that I couldn't just think happy and be positive.  It was nearly impossible for me to do so without medical help. 

Elder Holland shared his own experience with depression and also shared blessings for those who suffer from it and the caretakers for those who have it. 

After the end of the talk I felt peace, love and gratitude. Especially gratitude for someone, who I admire so much, to aknowledge the difficulty of mental illness. 

There is nothing more frustrating than to have someone who has not experienced mental illness to give advice about how to be happy when they haven't educated themselves on what it is like. 

I'll try to explain. For me, and my depression is minor compared to others, it is a constant mental battle to be happy. I grew up extremely happy and care free. My nickname was 'smiling jack'. I would have never guessed that depression would be in my future. Depression didn't show until college. Something changed, my mind was a whirlwind, I couldn't think clearly, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. I actually remember one instance when I was driving home to see my parents, I thought, "If I drive off the road and into the water, I might feel better." I know how crazy that sounds and part of me thought that sounded crazy too, but the other part of me wanted to die and that part of me was fighting to take control. 

I know what your thinking. Psychtofrennia. Nope I never heard voices or had a split personality, it was the depressed side of me arguing with my spirit to end the fight and to give into the depression. But I never let it win, because the spirit kept me going. I just didn't understand what was going on. I've never hurt myself or tried to take my own life.  I have thought that if I got hit by a bus, or something, I wouldn't be sad about it. 

I thought I could overcome these feelings through Christ. I read the scriptures. I prayed. I got blessings. Then I got more and more cynical. I stopped those things because I couldn't feel the spirit, It wasn't helping. The depression started winning. I slowly fell deeper in. And all the while I had no idea that what I was feeling was a clinical problem. 

Luckily I had a few people force me to get help. They forced me to go to the doctor, get meds and take them. Magically I started to feel like myself again. 'Smiling Jack' slowly started to return. The depression slowly diminished and my spirit was able to be free again. 

I still take medication, I hate it and love it at the same time. I hate it because i have to rely on medicine to help me be myself. I love it because I can be myself. 

I don't have depression because I am weak. I don't have it because I don't know how to think happy thoughts. I don't have it because something tragic happened in my life. Honestly, I don't know why I have it or why most of my family members suffer from it, but I know that it has made me more compassionate, more loving, and it has allowed me to be more happy. I know how hard it can be to fight for happiness, so I cherish it more deeply and I constantly seek for it.

Even with the medication I have to push depression aside. Pills don't take away hard things, or make life easier. They simply make it so that I can choose to be happy or sad. Just like any other person. The depression can no longer determine for me. IT WILL NOT determine for me.