Yesterday there were many talks that were written for me. One I would like to talk about was given by Elder Holland. He always seems to know how to speak on topics that I need. He shared his thoughts of clinical depression. I have dealt with this for 10 years. Some years have been easier than others. My husband had to learn a great deal about depression. We have been married for 4 years now and he can now relate to me very well. It took a while because depression doesn't run in his family like it does mine. It was difficult for him to recognize that I couldn't just think happy and be positive. It was nearly impossible for me to do so without medical help.
Elder Holland shared his own experience with depression and also shared blessings for those who suffer from it and the caretakers for those who have it.
After the end of the talk I felt peace, love and gratitude. Especially gratitude for someone, who I admire so much, to aknowledge the difficulty of mental illness.
There is nothing more frustrating than to have someone who has not experienced mental illness to give advice about how to be happy when they haven't educated themselves on what it is like.
I'll try to explain. For me, and my depression is minor compared to others, it is a constant mental battle to be happy. I grew up extremely happy and care free. My nickname was 'smiling jack'. I would have never guessed that depression would be in my future. Depression didn't show until college. Something changed, my mind was a whirlwind, I couldn't think clearly, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. I actually remember one instance when I was driving home to see my parents, I thought, "If I drive off the road and into the water, I might feel better." I know how crazy that sounds and part of me thought that sounded crazy too, but the other part of me wanted to die and that part of me was fighting to take control.
I know what your thinking. Psychtofrennia. Nope I never heard voices or had a split personality, it was the depressed side of me arguing with my spirit to end the fight and to give into the depression. But I never let it win, because the spirit kept me going. I just didn't understand what was going on. I've never hurt myself or tried to take my own life. I have thought that if I got hit by a bus, or something, I wouldn't be sad about it.
I thought I could overcome these feelings through Christ. I read the scriptures. I prayed. I got blessings. Then I got more and more cynical. I stopped those things because I couldn't feel the spirit, It wasn't helping. The depression started winning. I slowly fell deeper in. And all the while I had no idea that what I was feeling was a clinical problem.
Luckily I had a few people force me to get help. They forced me to go to the doctor, get meds and take them. Magically I started to feel like myself again. 'Smiling Jack' slowly started to return. The depression slowly diminished and my spirit was able to be free again.
I still take medication, I hate it and love it at the same time. I hate it because i have to rely on medicine to help me be myself. I love it because I can be myself.
I don't have depression because I am weak. I don't have it because I don't know how to think happy thoughts. I don't have it because something tragic happened in my life. Honestly, I don't know why I have it or why most of my family members suffer from it, but I know that it has made me more compassionate, more loving, and it has allowed me to be more happy. I know how hard it can be to fight for happiness, so I cherish it more deeply and I constantly seek for it.
Even with the medication I have to push depression aside. Pills don't take away hard things, or make life easier. They simply make it so that I can choose to be happy or sad. Just like any other person. The depression can no longer determine for me. IT WILL NOT determine for me.
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