Often times I feel like a juggler. Some days I feel like I am a 1st class act with all of the bells and whistles, while the crowd cheers me on as I manipulate with ease the fire-lit batons in a flawless performance. However, most of the time I feel like 'those' acts from America's Got Talent where the juggler, at the last minute, makes a fatal mistake and drops the ball only to kill their stage career. Today I feel like the later. And unfortunately I have dropped the most crucial ball. My family.
I have many things to juggle and every day one of those things gets pushed aside. Today I felt like it was J and P. I didn't want to, but after working from 7:30 - 5:30 and an 11 hour day yesterday, I had nothing left. My energy was gone. I got home and sat in the car an extra 5 minutes to just rub my legs because stiffness had begun settling in from all of my walking today.
My house is messy. My bed cover smells like dog because I have been too lazy to wash the dog's extra blanket. The dog smells (Charlie always does... Such a boy). I don't have energy to run the dog so he licks insistently. Patrick was tired and just wanted me to hold him. I had to sit so he wasn't very happy. I lost my temper with Jeff and became whiny. I haven't made a good dinner in weeks. My laundry is never clean and all I want to do is sleep. Like REALLY sleep. For days! If only I could find a poisoned spinning wheel. Oh how lovely!
Ya know what is worse, I've been having dreams of a baby girl named Denver. It doesn't leave my mind. I used Siri to call Shay, whom I call often, and it came up as Denver. Siri has never made the mistake of calling some one different when I call Shay. So, I think...because people have mentioned a time or two that this is 'how it starts', I think, " Maybe I'm pregnant. That's why I am sooooo tired. That's why I'm having these dreams." Then I feel bad, "If I'm pregnant, how can I take care of my family and do what I have to at work." After that, I feel excited! "I want to know what it is like to carry a child." Following that thought, I'm deflated, "This is all in my head and it won't really happen." Finally, I feel guilty, "I have my sweet little boy, and that should be enough." Then I'm back up again and thinking, "Patrick would be the cutest big brother. He would love his sis forever, with a bit of teasing of course." Grrrr....! Seriously, this all takes place within a few seconds of my quiet, deep thought. Usually in the shower, because that is truly the only time I have to myself, without distractions.
I wonder what life will bring. Will I always be juggling? Will the balls fall repeatedly? I watch stay at home moms and am amazed by how much they do. They seem to be jugglers. Some nervous, some calm and collected and some crazy fun. I want to be calm, crazy. I want to put my kids first. I want to be tired from playing in the mud and from cleaning up after a food fight. I want to bake lemon bars and see my little munchkins with powdered sugar faces. I want that to be the ball that never drops. I want to be mom.
No comments:
Post a Comment