Feelings

My darlings, I've been thinking a lot about you.  One of you are in our sweet family, and Patrick, I couldn't be more happy! I know there are others needing to be part of our family though.  I've always known it, so I thought I would write to all of my kiddos and tell them that I love them.  

Patrick, I love you! You are the first and you are my little comforting wild child. Strong willed, snuggly and a jokester ( already)! I don't know if you will be the oldest.  I've had dreams and I always pictured a dark haired boy as the oldest, a blonde in the middle and a sweet little girl with light brown hair at the end.  Who knows if you will all come that way, but either way, I know you will all come, and you WILL be perfect in every way.

So, I get the feelings sometimes.  Feelings like I need to do something, or not do something.  It's definitely the spirit many times, but I didn't always know that.  I do know that the more I follow the feelings I have, the more they come and the stronger they are.  

Some feelings I want to remember that have happened in the past:

1. Telling nana that I would serve a mission, I was only 10, but I knew I would.  No question about it.

2. Telling my sweet grandma Owen that it was ok to 'go home' heaven, and that I loved her.  She died a few days later.

3. Going to a party in high school that served alcohol (the kids were not supposed to drink), even though it didn't make sense.  I talked to nana and papa about it, and I told them what it would be like and that I know I 'shouldn't go' but that I thought I 'needed' to go.  Papa told me to listen to the spirit  and to do what it told me to.  I went and became a missionary to a friend. 

4. Driving in my car to high school and felt like I needed to slow down.  I didn't, then the voice in my head got louder, "Slow Down!" I slowed down and soon after I had to slam on my breaks because a car came out of know where and I barely missed it.

5. Soo many times on the mission. Feeling drawn to random people.  Bruno and Bockholt. Amazing!

6. Not listening when driving in winter, to Logan.  Felt I should pull over, ignored. Impressed I should pull over, ignored.  Yelled at to pull over, didn't make sense, so I bargained with the spirit that I would pull over when 'I' thought I could.  Fell asleep at the wheel, went off the road, over corrected, took out poles and miraculously was saved when my car should have flipped, but didn't.

7. Random times I feel like I should call, text, write or say something to people that I love and know, and sometimes strangers.

8. Marrying your father.  I didn't get a clear answer, just a feeling.

9. Applying for the job in Smithfield. Wanted to move to SLC, didn't happen because I was meant to work at Sunrise and especially Summit.

10. Soooo many things involving teaching my students, talking to parents and coworkers.

11. Moving into the house in North Logan and being a part of the best 13th ward ever!

13. Teaching many youth in the ward.

14. Moving to Utah County. Definitely didn't want to.  It didn't make any sense, did it anyway.

15. Oh, I forgot, telling our awesome landlord that I had a feeling he should cut down a tree in the north Logan yard.  He didn't and I kept bugging him, because I had a feeling.  Weeks later it fell on the house but luckily only took out the gas line and another tree. 

16. Calling the principal at Cherry Hill Elementary to get an interview. Pulling into the parking lot and knowing that I needed to work there, and then getting offered the job an hour after interviewing. 

17. Buying homes and getting the feeling to live somewhere.

Not always do I following my feelings/promptings, and not always are they right, but the more I try to follow them, the more I learn what is good and what is not.  

Love Me My Hubby!

Today is our wedding anniversary. 5 years and counting. We have been through some rough patches and most likely will go through some more. But I'm grateful to have them because it means I still have Jeff.

5 years ago I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. I knew I loved my husband to be, I knew I wanted to be with him, but I was unsure if it would work out. We were so different! Completely opposite in almost everyway.

As I sat across the alter from him, in the LDS Bountiful temple, I remember thinking, "Oh well... God hasn't told me to leave yet so I guess this is it. I hope I'm doing the right thing." Now when I tell Jeff that, he just laughs at me. I tell him that I had to take a HUGE chance on him and he had to on me. And we are both glad we did.

Marriage isn't easy. It's not roses and passion. It's not electrifying. Dating was. Sometimes I miss that. But, marriage is a companionship, it is love, it is trying to mold yourself into a better version to make the man you love happier, it is family and it can be eternal. 

I'm grateful for Jeff and for his humility and forgiveness. Happy anniversary to us.

Birthday Boy!

Patch,

Wow, I can't believe you are already a year old. You are the sweetest, most curious, army-crawling munchkin I have ever seen. You haven't mastered walking yet, but why walk when you can climb over any obstacle by just crawling? You're soooo fast.

Your birthday party was fun. We had it on your special day and you LOVED it! Nana and Papa A, Aunt Holly and Aunt Shay came. Birth Mommy would have loved to come, but she couldn't make it. She loves that you have a beautiful family and she told me she knows you are meant to be with us, but her heart aches for you to be hers still, and she wasn't sure she could be there without crying. Many memories of placing you have come up for her and so this month has been extremely difficult. She told me that some of her other birth mom friends have gone through similar feelings. I think all birth moms do. It's called grief. Grief is when you lose something that you love so dearly. Not being your mom was the hardest thing that she has ever done. She just loves you so much and I'm sure she will visit you soon. The grief comes and goes for her. We need to give her time and then when she feels better she can love on your sweet, chubby cheeks.

Uncle Erik and his kids wanted to come, but his Jeep wasn't ready yet, so he didn't have a way to drive here. He wants to visit you soon so you can see your funny cousin Kylee and silly cousin Gibson. You giggle at Kylee all the time and Gibby is only about a year older than you so you like to play together. Cousin Emma is on a trip, with her mom, so she couldn't come either.

Uncle Nik and Uncle KC had to work. Aunt RonNell, cousin Max and cousin Harper are still in Englad. Auntie Pay and Brookie wanted to come as made it half way there, but Brooklyn had a hard time and needed to go back to go to sleep early. We sure missed them all.

All of your other Aunts and Uncles from daddies side live far away, but they called and sent you happy birthday messages. Aunt Julia and Uncle Cam wanted to give you kisses as hugs. Their kids, Ryan and Makalya love you too. You would love playing with them. Ryan loves trucks and fixin things. Makayla loves cuddles and is only a year older than you.  Aunt Melissa and uncle Justin sent you a book that cousin Channing loves. He is a few months older and you guys just love playing and laughing. They all love you so much! Grandma Cecy and Papa C sent you a funny doggy card. You giggled at that. Their gift is in the mail and I'm

positive you will love it. Actually we just recovered it!! Wait.... It's a tractor you can sit on, with a tractor book. Oh boy! Your gonna love that.

The birthday started by mommy and daddy coming into your room to

sing happy birthday. You were ALL smiles. You must have been super excited because you didn't take very long naps, so you got a bit winey, but that's ok. 

Dad went to work and you and I cleaned, made you cupcake cake, went shopping for food and balloons, and I put together your truck stroller that Aunt RonNell's family got you. And oh, did you love playing in that! . 

We got you birthday balloons and you were squealing with delight as the woman blew up the bouquet of balloons. I think that was the first time you saw balloons. Your face was priceless when I tied the balloons to our shopping cart. Amazement and awe!! Your eyes lit up like fireworks. Those big blue eys!

When the family arrived we had sloppy joes, baked beans, grapes and veggies. All of your favs! You ate like a champ.

Finally it was time for cake. You were all wide eyed when Dada put the cupcake in front of you. Oh we sang to you too and you clapped and clapped. The cupcake was perfect size for you and you shoved it in your face. Dad was sooo proud. You would have eaten the entire thing too, if daddy hadn't taken the icing off the top. He said you would get a sugar overload.

After we cleaned up everything, and you everyone went home. It was just you, daddy and I. We had one final thing to do. Balloon wishing. I got the idea from a great book called "Heaven is Here". In the book the woman tells her life story about having to overcome an accident she and her husband were in and how she found to be happy on earth. That the most important thing anywhere, is her family. I agree. It's silly, the balloon thing is only barely mentioned, but it stuck in my head, so daddy and I wanted to do it every year for your birthday.

We got together as a family, had you pick a balloon from the bouquet and then we talked about what we wanted our wish to be. We have to keep it secret too! ;) it's just for us to know, but believe me, it's a good one. Then we went outside and gave you the balloon. You held on tight and didn't want to let go. But it was windy and finally the balloon slipped through your tiny fingers and up. Up.. UP... It went. You were mesmerized. No tears, no sadness. Just wonder! This was my favorite part of the day. Me, you and Daddy. An eternal family with a dream. I hope everyone can have that one day. 

I love you more than the moon, more than the stars and more than the universe! I'll always love you.

Own your mistakes

I'm sick of trying to be the good guy all the time. Why is it that some (definitely not all) of my friends think that I am someone so easily set aside. They are not to me. Why, even after someone hurts me, ignores me, refuses to forgive, do I still pray for them, worry for them and care about them. It would be so easy to lay out all of their faults, put it out in public for all to see, spew their poor choices on a canvas, but I don't. I don't want to do that to another human being. I don't want to do that to someone that I love. All I want is a friend that understands that I'm not perfect and never will be, but accepts me for the actual person I am and realizes that I have accepted them for who they are.

Moving has been super hard for me. I MISS MY HOME! I miss my neighborhood and the people who cared about me; I miss my dog, my school, my students, my house, my sister and my second families. Those people forgave me for my flaws. They saw my potential and built me up. All I feel now is crushing. Cushing from people that I have and still will do so much for. They just gave up on me and on my family. Why...because life is hard... Because it can be uncomfortable... Because you don't care about me or us anymore? Who knows why?

 I'm stressed, can't sleep. Mull over what I did wrong. But the thing is... that is exactly what these people want me to feel, wether they know they want it or not. Since they feel pain and heartache,  mine or other's fault, they want someone else to feel their pain. They want to have someone else hurting. They become manipulative, try to place blame for their sadness, become vindictive and want to cause pain. Possibly not knowing that that is precicly what they are doing when they wallow in self misery. I know that because I struggled with that when the depression hit. Do I intentionally want to cause pain.... No! But I tried to sabotage relationships that were good for me. Thank goodness for modern day medication and a wonderful husband and true friends to help me through it. 

I'm not going to let them make me feel like this. I have too many things to love and to fight to be happy for.

I hate to say this, but the world does not revolve around them, me, or any other person for that matter. This is an imperfect world, with very imperfect people. So get over it! Get over the fact that someone is not the person you thought they were, or that they hurt your feelings. Get over trying to blame your sadness on anyone but yourself. I had to. If happiness is a goal, you have to own your feelings, your actions and your life! 

 So, I guess if I were to ever talk to these friends (which I would be glad to... If they ever answer my calls) I would say something like this:

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have had similar moments in my life.  I don't, and can never understand exactly how you feel, but I will try my best to listen. To mourn with you and comfort you.  

However, you do not have the right to be manipulative or vengeful toward me or anyone else for the mistakes you have made or the feelings you have, unless I personally caused the heartache you feel. You need to own the things that belong to you. It will not help you to place blame where blame is not due. Though candid, I believe you would agree with me and would feel similar to me if the tables were turned.

Because I love you, sometimes I have told you things that you may not want to hear. I hate when you some one else does that to me, but I'm so grateful for those people who tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. I tell you the truth out of love and I honestly try to do it with compassion, though sometimes I am better at it than other times.

I love you and hope you can find your peace. I will be where, and when you need me, if you will let me. I will never stop praying for you and will always love you. I just hope that you can try to understand my perspective and forgive me for my faults like I forgive you for yours."

I don't know if I will ever be able to say that, but it makes me feel better writing it down. I'm not so hurt anymore. Most it I'm disapointed that I couldn't help my friends more. 

Someone told me that I can't save everyone. I hate that. I refused to believe it. Now I see what they were saying. Someone else told me that I can only help those that want my help. I guess that's true to. I don't like that thought either, but one thing that will always work, is to ask God to help them. I guess I will have to pray and trust God that he will help them when I can't.