Dreaming

I've been told that I have a gift of seeing angels and to be able to dream dreams from time to time.  It's happened before. Actually plenty of times before, but not often are they this real.  Last night I dreamt about Pay.  It was weird, like all dreams are, but very real at the same time.  It started off with a group party, like a reunion, very similar to the open mic, but with tons of rooms and a dining area.  A ton of people were there, eating and sharing thoughts of life.  As we were watching a clip, of some sort, I saw Pay. She was at the front of the room, next to the screen, just chillin on the floor. Alone and quiet. I went up to her and told her that I missed her. She said she missed me and everyone, especially Cory and Brooklyn. Then she said that she wished she could be around. She was worried that people couldn't see her and she wished that they could. But, Pay also said that she was doing well and I could see that she was beyond happy.  She looked a little younger and her eyes were BRIGHT and full of life with a little twinkle of mischief. Oh, and they were so  striking, almost piercingly blue. She was BEAUTIFUL, BEYOND BEAUTIFUL! 

 I told her about things that I worry about and talked to her about some of my imperfections and insecurities.  She was beyond comforting to me and then we went about talking to other people, but would secretly find a corner to have another heart to heart every so often, just like we always do.

 I met Cole Michael there too.  He looked more like Brandon, Pay's cousin, but he was different. Plus Brandon and the whole Bush family was there already, so I knew it had to be Coley.  He looked like the pictures of Cole Michael but older with light brown hair. He was extremely handsome, humble and strong in mind.  Everyone in the room was extactic to meet him.  We all got in a line to give him a hug and tell him how grateful we were to finally meet the boy who changed our lives. Pay lingered around as we all took our turn hugging him.  It was as if she wanted to give the spotlight to someone else, or because not everyone could see that she was there.  Cole was gracious, kind, and sweet but acted as though he had a mission, so didn't chat for long.  After the hugs, he went back to his table to continue talking/teaching people I didn't recognize. 

At the end of the dream, as Pay was saying goodbye, she mentioned how she wished we could all see her. I then showed her the footage from all of the gatherings we had for her and in every picture, there she was, looking at the movies, standing in the crowd or sitting next to someone. Also, there was something different about her.  I didn't realize this at first, but now as I write, I realize that she had no anxiety.  She was sad that not everyone noticed that she was there, but completely at peace and happy.  She wanted people to know that she is close by, but she was fine. It was like she had no worries about herself, none. No insecurities, or sadness.  All of her worry was for others and wanting to let them know that she was there. I've never seen Pay without anxiety.  I've never seen her so calm and collected.  She was colpletely perfect and I loved being with her.

I can't tell you how much peace this gave me. I was actually late for work because I woke up and told Jeff that I had a dream about Pay and then I went back to sleep to talk to her some more.

On Friday of her funeral, I think I saw her too.  I woke up to someone repeating,"Cortney" over and over again. I woke up and thought for sure that it was Jeff.  Then in my tired mind, I thought it might be Patch, which is ridiculous, he is only 19 months old. But both boys were asleep. Then I looked toward the end of my bed and standing in front of my closet was a shape, not quite clear, but humanlike.  It didn't scare me at all, I actually laughed and thought these words, "Pay, leave me alone.  I'm going back to bed. I'll write your talk when I wake up." Then I did just that.  Not thinking anything else about it, until later when I woke up and started thinking clearly.  Then I realized how weird that was, but completely happy about it.

You Get What You Give

I just lost my best friend and I have cried numerous times.  She has asked me to speak at her funeral and I don't know what I am going to say.  I don't think I will know what to say until I am saying it.  I felt her last night as I was praying, "I trust you, you will do well.  I asked you for a reason," I felt like she said. Oh boy, there she goes, putting me on the top of the totem pole again. :) She always did that, I never understood why, until a week ago.  I realized she does that with everyone, because she truly thinks that everyone is the most important person. Anyway, I still don't like it, and I tell her that all the time, so she tries to tone it down.  I have to admit though, it does make me smile when she says things like that, it just makes me feel embarrassed. Anyway....

I'm supposed to be working at school, I have the day off but I have to get things done so I can go to the funeral on Friday, but, I am writing instead.  As I was sitting here thinking of her and jamming out to some great songs on the radio, one of Pay's song came on.  I rarely here it on the radio.  She made me a CD with some amazing songs on it and I listen to them over and over again since she gave me the CD almost 10 years ago.  The song came on and I immediately paused and smiled. "You Get What You Give".  Did she ask God to do a little favor and inspire someone to put that song on, did she ask him to inspire me to turn on the radio at just the right time?  I hope so, I hope she can still be herself even though she doesn't have a body anymore.  I hope she can be herself and still do things for others.

The song is great to listen to, but a bit extreme at parts.  However, whenever I get down, I love to listen to it.  It reminds me of her and I can't help but to dance when I hear it.  I turn it up loud and just ignore the rest of the world around me.  Not all of it reminds me of her, but these lines do.

"You Get What You Give"

Wake up kids 
We've got the dreamers disease 
Age 14 we got you down on your knees 


First we run and then we laugh till we cry 

But when the night is falling 
and you cannot find the light 
If you feel your dream is dying 
Hold tight 
You've got the music in you 
Don't let go 
You've got the music in you 
One dance left 
This world is gonna pull through 
Don't give up 
You've got a reason to live 
Can't forget you only get what you give 

This whole damn world can fall apart 
You'll be ok follow your heart 
You're in harms way 
I'm right behind 
Now say youre mine 

[chorus]

Fly high 
What's real can't die 
You only get what you give 
Just dont be afraid to leave 

Don't let go 
One dance left 

I've been wondering why I am okay with her dying.  I wasn't for a long time.  God told me, very directly, that she would not die so I trusted completely and fasted, prayed and even cut my hair to make her a wig. But, I think that is why I am ok with it now that it has happened.  I am ok because of those words he spoke to me when I was in her hospital room.  She hasn't died.  Her body has separated from her spirit, but she is still as real to me as when I saw her on Saturday.  Actually, I think she is even more real, because she is not limited to the disease.

She became so sick, so scared and so anxious.  I don't think she is anymore.  I think she has always had the dreamer's disease.  She sees the positive in people and lived her life to the fullest.  Sometimes she struggled with seeing the positive in herself though, but now I think she can see that more clearly and knows the whole reason of her life and understands it.

When I die, I don't want people to be devastated.  I want them to celebrate.  I have always thought that.  If they must grieve, then let them, but I want them to be happy for me that I can finally have the veil lifted and to understand the entire picture of my life.  I'm happy for her and a bit jealous.  I don't want to die yet, because I want to live for my family especially Patch, but  I know she has that understanding that she has so desperately been asking for and I can't help but to be a bit jealous.

I am sad that her family and friends are behind and are devastated to lose her, but its' weird, I am not worried about her at all anymore.  I have complete faith that she will be able to reunite with her sweet baby and live eternally with her wonderful husband. And when that time comes, this life will seem as though dream that only took a night of her time that she actually gets to spend loving on her family.

This might offend some people, so I don't want to share it with everyone, but those are my feelings.  And I keep reassessing them and then finding the same conclusion to my thoughts.  She is fine, more than fine and I think she wants to make sure everyone is fine, more than fine, too. So I guess this is where the rest of us come into play.  We now have to be her workers.  We now have to be what Pay can't be anymore.  We have to be the ones to put others on the top of the totem pole.  We have to make others feel loved and to help them to grow and maybe even be a bit more of a performer like she. This will be hard for me, but I want to live my life so that I can make her, and all of the other people who have passed on before me, proud.

I do think that her miracle has happened. I think that miracle is Christ.  I just didn't realize that the miracle had happened 2015 years before.  She has already had plenty of miracles hear, and I am sure she will, if not already has, tell people all about them.  What a lucky group of spirits are in the spirit world now.  They get to have Mrs. Patience Bush Boheme be their life coach.  I'm happy for them too.