Dreaming

I've been told that I have a gift of seeing angels and to be able to dream dreams from time to time.  It's happened before. Actually plenty of times before, but not often are they this real.  Last night I dreamt about Pay.  It was weird, like all dreams are, but very real at the same time.  It started off with a group party, like a reunion, very similar to the open mic, but with tons of rooms and a dining area.  A ton of people were there, eating and sharing thoughts of life.  As we were watching a clip, of some sort, I saw Pay. She was at the front of the room, next to the screen, just chillin on the floor. Alone and quiet. I went up to her and told her that I missed her. She said she missed me and everyone, especially Cory and Brooklyn. Then she said that she wished she could be around. She was worried that people couldn't see her and she wished that they could. But, Pay also said that she was doing well and I could see that she was beyond happy.  She looked a little younger and her eyes were BRIGHT and full of life with a little twinkle of mischief. Oh, and they were so  striking, almost piercingly blue. She was BEAUTIFUL, BEYOND BEAUTIFUL! 

 I told her about things that I worry about and talked to her about some of my imperfections and insecurities.  She was beyond comforting to me and then we went about talking to other people, but would secretly find a corner to have another heart to heart every so often, just like we always do.

 I met Cole Michael there too.  He looked more like Brandon, Pay's cousin, but he was different. Plus Brandon and the whole Bush family was there already, so I knew it had to be Coley.  He looked like the pictures of Cole Michael but older with light brown hair. He was extremely handsome, humble and strong in mind.  Everyone in the room was extactic to meet him.  We all got in a line to give him a hug and tell him how grateful we were to finally meet the boy who changed our lives. Pay lingered around as we all took our turn hugging him.  It was as if she wanted to give the spotlight to someone else, or because not everyone could see that she was there.  Cole was gracious, kind, and sweet but acted as though he had a mission, so didn't chat for long.  After the hugs, he went back to his table to continue talking/teaching people I didn't recognize. 

At the end of the dream, as Pay was saying goodbye, she mentioned how she wished we could all see her. I then showed her the footage from all of the gatherings we had for her and in every picture, there she was, looking at the movies, standing in the crowd or sitting next to someone. Also, there was something different about her.  I didn't realize this at first, but now as I write, I realize that she had no anxiety.  She was sad that not everyone noticed that she was there, but completely at peace and happy.  She wanted people to know that she is close by, but she was fine. It was like she had no worries about herself, none. No insecurities, or sadness.  All of her worry was for others and wanting to let them know that she was there. I've never seen Pay without anxiety.  I've never seen her so calm and collected.  She was colpletely perfect and I loved being with her.

I can't tell you how much peace this gave me. I was actually late for work because I woke up and told Jeff that I had a dream about Pay and then I went back to sleep to talk to her some more.

On Friday of her funeral, I think I saw her too.  I woke up to someone repeating,"Cortney" over and over again. I woke up and thought for sure that it was Jeff.  Then in my tired mind, I thought it might be Patch, which is ridiculous, he is only 19 months old. But both boys were asleep. Then I looked toward the end of my bed and standing in front of my closet was a shape, not quite clear, but humanlike.  It didn't scare me at all, I actually laughed and thought these words, "Pay, leave me alone.  I'm going back to bed. I'll write your talk when I wake up." Then I did just that.  Not thinking anything else about it, until later when I woke up and started thinking clearly.  Then I realized how weird that was, but completely happy about it.