Winter depressed

I feel so alone!

This was written a little over a week ago. Wow! How amazing is medicine. When the seasons change, I knew that I get more depressed, but since I have been trying to document it, I've noticed it more. The medications I am taking have helped a great deal and I was doing superbly well. Then when it started to get dark around 5 and the winter weather hit, something drastically changed. I wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal, but would have rather been gone. Jeff couldn't do anything for me. I didn't want to go to church. I felt even worse when I did. I questioned every little thing and almost decided to not believe in God. The entire time I fought and fought, wondering what was wrong. Then it dawned on me that I should start talking more depression medicine and up the dosage. It took 3 days to see a difference, but now I am back to normal.

Thank God for modern day medicine. 

I still question many things and my belief in religion, but I've always done that however, I have my drive back to learn more and read the scriptures. 

Speaking of, I found this today while I was rereading one of my old scriptures:

I need to remember this. This is why I chose to be Hardy at Oakcrest. I looked up in the thesaurus and searched for a good and powerful word to pick my camp name, and I settled on Hardy: meaning courage. I'm not really courageous, but I try to do what I can to say what needs to be said and overcome challenges of the heart, mind and my surroundings. I fail miserably most of the time, but at least I'm trying.

Latest church policy

How am I to show love to all and still believe in what I do when they often times come to a head with disagreeable views? I still believe in the power of priesthood, Christ, God, the temple and the sacrament. However, I have struggled a lot with the LDS church stating a new policy that requires children of same sex couples wait until they are 18 to be baptized and then also get special permission from the first presidency to go on a mission and to denounce the ways of their family. 

First off, I do understand the importance of the statement and to clarify the commandments that we believe in.  And I do mean to say 'we'. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin. I also think that many other things are sins and I do not have the right to judge others for the way that they sin.  However, I do still believe that I must support people in whatever way I can, as a human being. I love my LGBT friends and am happy for them to find love and to be happy. 

I don't understand why people struggle with certain temptations, I do think that it is not alway a choice either. I think that often times people truly are attracted to the same sex. Why I am against acting on it is the fact that I believe strongly in a child being able to live with a father and a mother. That its self is also tricky. As an American, I support gay marriage. I think it is beautiful for people to be able to show their love and devotion to each other. And I in no way should prevent them from making that official. But I do have very mixed feelings about the adoption or rearing of children in a union of same sex couples. In one aspect, I do not support it because I believe in the value of seeing both sexes interact in such a way to allow a child to see the strengths of both. Then I think of so many children who are not in a home with caring parents or who are alone in this world. They deserve love as anyother child does. And many of my LGBT friends would make the most loving parents. They would raise their children the best they can and show them love and goodness and allow them to believe in what they wish. Who am I to stop a child from getting that love. There are plenty of people who treat their children poorly, neglect them, abuse them, ruin their lives! Aren't they worse than loving parents of the same sex? 

Of course those people who treat children poorly are worse. 

Mathew 18

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

This all confuses me. Ugh...