Journaling

I wrote this on Monday August 11. I couldn't post it then. 

I taught a lesson Sunday about journaling.  I never realized the importance of it.  I knew that I should do it.  I should write my thoughts for my children and their children to read.  But why? What if they don't want to read it? What if it is a waste of my time. And to be honest, writing stresses me out.  I worry about what others will think of me and if I use correct grammar or not.  

 Now I realize the importance of record keeping.  It's not only for my children, it's to help me.  I need to find out who I am.  I feel like I am a different person at every stage of my life.  Now that I am a new mother, adoptive mother, I am not sure who I am.  How should I be feeling?  Am I the same as a mother who carried her child? I get the occasional comment that suggests I couldn't understand what a mother feels like, because I didn't carry my son.  Sometimes I want to reach out and slap the person who says it and say, "How stupid are you! Don't you think I would like to understand! Does it matter! How inconsiderate." Then I realize people are just naive. I can't blame them for not understanding my situation.  They haven't been there. But it still hurts to her that. 

To be honest, I am nervous.  I worry that I'm not doing things right.  What does the birth mother think?  Is she happy with her decision?  Am I being the mother she wanted for her child?    She reassures me that I am doing a good job,  but my insecurities come out still. I'm not sure if I feel like 'his' mother yet. Will I ever? 

I am scared.  I am absolutely terrified that I might mess this all up. Sometimes I think that I am not worthy of this wonderful family and to be the mother of Superman.  For the longest time, I thought that I couldn't get pregnant because I must have been doing something wrong.  Why else would God not send a child to us? I don't feel like that now.  It is very clear to me why I needed to experience infertility.  It taught me to understand others.  It taught me to love more and to have compassion where I didn't understand infertility  before. A friend once said, "God cares more about our spiritual growth than our physical." I guess you could say that I grew spiritually as I was feeling physical broken. 

Here are some worries I have. They're probably stupid, irrational worries, but they are there.

 I worry I will ruin my relationship with my husband. I'm not sure why I feel like that. I guess I realize that I have so many weaknesses and sometimes they get the better of me. Jeff is so good.  He may not be the 'Peter Priesthood' type, but he has such a pure heart.  I feel like the sinner in our relationship.

I worry Superman won't love me as much as I love him.  

I worry I won't be willing to  sacrifice what I need to sacrifice at the time I need to.  That probably doesn't make any sense to you.  But it makes sense to me.

I worry I won't be able to help little Superman understand how important God is.  Life is so much better with a solid belief in our father in heaven and our savior Jesus Christ.  I'll have you know that I don't believe in God just because it makes life easier, I have many reasons to believe, but an easier life is an extra perk.

I worry I won't be the mom superman needs.  

I hate to worry and I'm usually not a worry wart  (maybe it comes with being a mommy) but I'm grateful for this time of reflection.  Some thing about writing down my worries helps me realize that things will be okay.