August 25th post

I wrote this a while ago and wasn't sure if I wanted to post it. But I have realized if I don't post my thoughts, then I forget them and I don't want to forget this.

August's post:

I know I didn't give birth, but I am tired and I think I deserve to say that as much as any women who was able to carry a child. It still stinks when people say that. I know I didn't have to worry about blood and stitches or milk coming. But I am still tired because of other things I am obligated to do.

Life has been hard lately. I've had to go back to teaching. I LOVE teaching, but I feel like a terrible mom every time I have to take time away from superman and put it toward someone else's child. 

I know I am where I need to be in this time of my life, but I don't know how long I am going to be able to keep it up. I not only teach, but I am a director over a large program at the school. I don't want to talk about it in detail, but trust me when I say it is another full time job. 

The thing is, I have gotten other people to help me out, but right now I have to train them and prepare things in order for my class and the program to run smoothly. I know there will be an end, or at least a time out for all of this madness, but I can't see it. 

I will say that I love superman more and more everyday. His hair has been kissed by the sun, and he is gradually growing chipmunk cheeks. 

He had an ear infection. That was terrible. He is now getting back to his happy and very active self.

Back to my earlier thought... A few years ago a parent to one of my students came and talked with me. I had noticed that their had been something wrong for a while. The parent then shared with me their feelings and concerns. Nothing to do with their student, but about themselves. I am grateful they did. I was able to get them the help they needed so desperately. I don't know why they came to me, but I do know that I somehow was in the right place at the right time. I don't even think this parent is very religious, but they did say that they knew I needed to have their child in my class so that I could help the parent as well as the child. I don't know why I feel I should be teaching, but I do. I don't know why I feel like I should still be the director of a large program, but I do. I may never know why... Yet I hope that someone will know and that I can help them out in the way they need it.

Mountains to Climb

Yesterday evening:

I can't pin point it.  But I am struggling with life, somehow.  I know, that sounds strange, "I don't know what is wrong with me."  I know what it is not. It's not depression, it's not hatred, it's not fear.  Whatever it is I am not ready to face it.  I have many friends who, when I get like this, love to analyze my feelings and situations with me.  I then am able to move on and to get over it.  I find myself avoiding those people lately.  Instead I have been blocking out the feeling and only focusing on what needs to get done.  That's all I want to write about today.  Maybe I'll write later.

Today:

No matter what the trial, God will always show forth his love.  I am so grateful for the youth.  They inspire me.  I was told, that in my life I would convince my brothers and sisters of the truthfulness of the gospel.  I witnessed that tonight.  

This summer was the most eventful I have ever had. Before summer came, I had a busy school year with teaching first grade and organizing an after school club program.  I put in long hours trying to be the best at both jobs. So, you can imagine how excited I was for the summer. My husband and I had also been called to organize a youth conference for our ward.   I was beyond excited and nervous for the chance to help.  We worked to organize the conference.  We decided the theme would be 'Mountains to Climb." Inspired by elder Eyring's talk.  We would take the youth camping.  With the help from some of the youth in our ward, we also planned spiritual moments along with fun activities for the camp. We were getting all set for the day of the camp. Come July, we would have our conference and help the youth to build their testimonies.

A few days after school let out, I got the phone call that put Superman's adoption into play.  He was supposed to be born in less than a month and we hadn't even put in our adoption papers. (Proof that God has a plan with everything.) I was completely overwhelmed. Overjoyed, depressed, determined, stressed, truly I was a bit of a nut job.  Looking back at it all.  And one thing that I couldn't be happy about was that the baby was to be born the same time our conference had been planned for. My heart sank with the thought of not teaching and learning with the youth from our ward.  (I bond with most people very quickly and the love I have for them is deep.)  I loved the youth.  I had been called to be their leader, and they were excited about it too.  Unfortunately we couldn't do both, J and I talked with our bishop and asked for help with the conference. And help was found. 

The other couple came in and took what we had planned and built from it and made the conference a wonderful experience for all who attended. J and I were able to be with our Superman and also took turns going to the camp for 2 different activities.  

I didn't think much about that camp until today. Our bishop stopped us 2 weeks ago to invite us to attend a fireside that would show a video of youth conference.  Of course J and I were excited to go, but thought we would sit in the back and just be bystanders. It didn't happen.  And as you read from my other post, I was having a very difficult time.  I thought church might help me, but I got nothing during the actual service today. But something happened at this fireside. Light. Pure light. The love of Christ overcame me.  The youth today have a power about them.  I am sure I had it when I was that age too, and it is contagious. 

J, Superman and I sat in this fireside watching the slide show of the pictures that were taken during the conference, and we were both a little bummed that we missed out, but so happy that we had a beautiful son instead. A few people spoke, and I'm not going to talk about what they said, but I do want to share the video that was shown at the end.  I needed this.

As I watched this, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven so strongly.  Superman had fallen asleep in my arms, my husband held my hand, and at that moment I was so grateful for my life.  I was so grateful to be in that room at that moment.  I was so grateful to know what I know and that I had the opportunity to be part of this great conference,  what little part I did play.

After the video, the bishop then asked one other person to share their thoughts, and then looked at me to share mine to end the fireside.  I didn't expect this. But my heart was so full and I needed to share what I was thinking.  I needed to tell the youth how special they are.  I needed them to know that God loved them and that Satan would do anything and everything in his power to make them feel like they are not the person they really are. They needed to know that they are the most important group in the church.  They are the defenders (as our bishop pointed out), they are the army of God.  As I spoke, I didn't have things thought out, but I spoke from my heart.  And, honestly, I don't remember everything that I said, but as I looked into the eyes of some of the youth, I knew I was there for a reason. I knew that something I said helped someone there.  I know because everything that was said there helped me and God loves me just as much as he loves everyone else in that room.  I realized that last night, this morning and after church, there really wasn't anything wrong with me.  I realize now that something didn't want me to be to the fireside, something didn't want me to be in a position to share my testimony and that something almost won.  I almost forgot who I was.  I almost gave up because the 'unkown' trial was too hard for me to comprehend.  If I had let the adversary win, my blog post would be very different.  I would be very different.

I wonder what I have missed in the past because I didn't fight.  Ya know what, I'm not even going to think about it.  Instead I am going to start anew.  I will win the fight and I will be a defender of the Gospel.  With God's help, I can do all that is required of me. If he wants me to convince my brothers and sisters of the truthfulness of the Gospel, then I will. In pray that I can borrow just a little of that power the youth has and make my testimony contagious.

Friendships

Birth momma stopped by today. I loved it. We have decided to keep things more casual. Having specific dates for visits stresses me out. Plus we are genuine friends, I miss her some days just like I miss my other friends. I'm glad we feel so happy about the adoption that we can just keep our friendship going and growing. Blessed are we.

Rain, Rain, Never Go Away

It's raining

It's pouring

Yay!

I love the rain.  I love the sound and the smell.  The green that follows afterward and the puddles I can splash my feet into.  It brings me back to childhood.  I would stand on our large deck as the watery clouds would cover the sky, and it made me feel like I should be on a boat... no a SHIP.  A ship with Captain Hook and I was Peter Pan. I would take over the wheel and guide the ship through Never Land, past the mermaids and through waterfalls.  I even thought it would be a good idea to use some 'fairy dust' one day, and try to fly. I jumped.  The dust didn't work.  I 'flew' off the balcony and landed flat on my face.  My best friend brought me a flower and it made everything better.  He was the best friend in the entire world.  I cried for days when his family moved away. 

In college I was a free little spirit.  Ummmm, I guess I still am, but more so then.  Whenever it would rain, I felt this urgency to run outside and dance in it, just like Gene Kelly in 'Singing in the Rain'.  I love that movie! Side note- i love the song 'Make 'em Laugh'. I would convince my friends to go out and act like fools while our bodies were soaked with the fresh moisture. Now I just want to write about it.  Maybe it's because I don't have anyone home to sing and dance in the rain with tonight. 

Yesterday, we had my favorite kind of weather, light showers with a sunny sky. Me, Daddy and Superman played with Sookie while the mist tickled our eyelashes.  It was the perfect moment.  Then J hugged me from behind, I LOVE that, and we stood on our porch hugging, holding our son, watching our dog and enjoying my weather.  It was a gift from God, that moment.

I want to, want to dance in the rain. And yes, I meant to say that.  I want to have that desire back to be free and to not care about things for a while.  I want to leave responsibility at the door and just fly. Go to Never Land and never grow up.  I remember thinking one day, as a child, "one day this is going to end.  I better live it up now!" And I did.  Maybe that's why I want to go back some days. 

These moments, when I need freedom, only last for a while and then I am back in reality.  I like my reality.  Actually, I love it.  It is hard, and oh my goodness, does it have its challenges, but I couldn't leave it forever.  My soul just needs a minute break and then I go back to life.  But that minute break is just as important as the life time reality.  It keeps me sane.

It's early, but I'm going to bed.  Sookie and I will be cuddling until Superman needs some cuddling in the night.  Then Sookie will just have to cuddle with herself.  Maybe one day they will cuddle together.  Oh I can't wait.  That will be a cute picture.

Loyal and true, a little naughty too!

I have been itching to write.  This is new for me since I have not enjoyed writing before.  

A few things to keep you posted on.  

1. Superman is now 2 months old.  I picked him up the other day, and I could have sworn he gained weight overnight.  He was more dense and has out grown some of his newborn clothing (which was small on him to begin with).

2. J and I are doing much better.  We have had great talks and are both feeling like we can deal with the extra demands of life better. 

3. Visited birth mommy today.  It was wonderful to have a quick chat and to see how much superman is starting to look like her.  I like it.

4. I think the depression has been minimized.  Thank heavens!

It's a windy night, and I am home alone with the babes and our dog.  I've been wanting to write about Sookie. Did you know that she ate an entire pumpkin pie once.  Yep, snatched it off the table while we ran next door.  When we came home the pie tin was licked clean, glistening from the saliva she left behind.  She also ate half of a roasted chicken and she doesn't stop there, we had to make her vomit because she found a way to get chocolate treats off of our counter.  Oh and the first day that we got her, she escaped and ran through out the fields near our home and wouldn't come back, even for gravy dipped steak.  Good memories!

Inspite of all her naughty moments, she is the best dog for us.  She cuddles with me every night.  She follows me when I go to school late and wanders the halls saying hello to my fellow teachers.  She loves superman.  Anytime he cries, she comes to his rescue.  She is loyal to the T but still has a mind of her own.  

If only I could be that loyal.  I got the naughty part down. :)

I can do this

I see the light at the end of the tunnel! Give me one more week, and I can have work running smoothly and hopefully be better at being a mom and a wife. I can't wait. Until then I will just keep swimming. :)

Ps my fun students are coming for a class party at my house. I'm so excited!

Unedited

I'm worried about my other posts. I probably said too much. I do want to say that I write things for me. It's therapy. I don't care if people read it, who knows, maybe it will help someone. But if you chose to read, prepare yourselves to get the unedited me. I may say things that can be offensive and you may not understand parts of my logic. So if you get offended or worried, I'm truly sorry, and in that case I would advise you to stop reading. This has been the best thing for me. I usually try and hide my insecurities. Some people think I am so strong, well this is the real me. Unedited and learning to be ok with it. :)

Forgiveness

My hubby came home at 2:00 am from his late shift. I woke up and had an overwhelming feeling to hug his guts out. :) I was still sad, and am still today, but I got a good cry out, wrote in my journal and got 'some' shut eye so now I can deal with the stress of life.

He hugged me back like he did when we first realized we loved each other. And repeated over and over, "I love you." 

He then asked me if I had to go to the bathroom. "huh!" what a weird question after a hug. But he said it with a smirk so I knew something was up. An of course after someone asks you if you have to pee, even if you didn't before, the comment triggers the pee part of your brain and ya just gotta go. :) so up I got and waiting for me on our bathroom sink was a letter of 8 reasons why he loves me. I won't share those reasons. That's just for me, but I will say that it was the most well written and honest thoughts he has shared with me in a long time. It was incredible. I've read it over and over again and I'm amazed at how humble he is and how willing he is to change some things and also so willing to forgive me.

Forgiveness is key. I realized today that its okay to share feelings as long as we also share forgiveness, and I am really good at sharing feelings, but not forgiving. J (hubby) is not so good at sharing feelings, but amazing at offering true forgiveness. So maybe that's why we work so well. And hopefully we can learn from each other to become better at the parts we are week in.

Ps I'm getting my haircut today. That makes everything better.

Melodramatic Me

I'm having a hard time tonight.  My husband and I have been having more disagreements than usual.  We are both stressed and can't do anything about it. We need money and education so our time is limited. This makes me feel so sad.  I hate feeling like this.  To be honest, I have been having a hard time for the past few weeks.  Some days are wonderful, but then there are days like this, where everything just explodes and all emotions are at a high.  Usually I don't like to write when I am like this.  I feel like I am complaining and that makes me a bad person.  But tonight, I want to write.  I want others to know how I feel, and I just wish that my husband could understand my feelings.  That's the story of every woman's life. Right? I shouldn't be so hurt, but I can't help it.  

Sometimes, I wonder if depression is creeping up again.  I hate that feeling even more.  Our caseworker warned me about post pardon depression, yes it happens to adoptive parents as well, and I think we might be feeling some of that.  It has nothing to do with our son, it has everything to do with not feeling like we are on the same page anymore.  We were so different, but could mesh super well.  My hubby and I. Now our personalities have become more distinct and we are at the point where we resent each other sometimes.  He resents that I work.  I resent that I have to work.  He resents that I don't make dinner as much, I resent that I don't have time to cook.  I resent him for still being in school and not having a full time job. He resents me for having a full time job. (Really it is a full time with weekends and holidays on top of overtime, type of job). The list could go on. 

I'm nervous to write this, because his family members might read this.  But this is my journal so I've got to tell the truth about how I feel. Oh, I hope they actually don't read this.  It would give them a good reason to not like me. I should have just kept this private. Ugh.

The worst thing is that I do love my husband so much.  That's why it hurts so badly.  Now, I sound super melodramatic . . . This has got to be depression talking. Someone once told me that the person who will hurt you the most will be the person you love the most.  I get that now, it's not because that person is mean, it's because you love them so much that you don't want to disappoint them and you really do care what they think. 

I hope birth mommy doesn't want to take back superman when she reads this.  I'm sure she will read it at some point. 

Why do I have to be so honest with my feelings?  It's my best and worst quality.  For sure my worst most of the time. 

Well, maybe since I have vented, I can get over these feelings.  Get back to normal and stop being stupid. 

Friends in high places

I have friends in high places.  Maybe not high places in the worlds' eye, but definitely in mine.  I actually am reluctant to say this, because I hate it when someone thinks that I am better than I am, but I truly think that these friends would be on the top of any totem poll if compared to the rest of the world.  

One of my best friends and her beautiful family came to visit me this weekend.  It was such a wonderful feeling to have them here.  Her husband is amazing. I think of him like a brother.  I feel like he should have been born into my family, he would have fit in well.  Actually, my bestie says that she married the boy version of me.  Weird, but kinda true. Their beautiful little girl is practically my niece.  When I talk about her, I actually refer to her as a niece.  I truly love her like I would my own daughter. Actually, superman reminds me of what she was like when she was a baby.  I wonder if superman will end of being as determined and spirited as she.  :) If so, good luck to me!  Then there is my bestie.  She always knows when I need someone, and builds me up when I'm down.  I don't have any reservations when I'm around her.  She is as close as a sister and as in tune as a mother.  

Bestie and I used to think we were so alike, until we married our husbands. Then we realized that our husbands are more like the friend than the friends are. Bestie and I were both bugged when we realized that. 

Another friend is turning out to be birth momma.  We are both friends with bestie and went on a walk tonight.  I got to meet her best friend as well.  It was so good to hang out, as friends.  Not just birth mom/ adoptive. Mom.  It was fun, relaxing and peaceful.  Loved every minute. Superman was in heaven to be around so many people who loved him.