I can't pin point it. But I am struggling with life, somehow. I know, that sounds strange, "I don't know what is wrong with me." I know what it is not. It's not depression, it's not hatred, it's not fear. Whatever it is I am not ready to face it. I have many friends who, when I get like this, love to analyze my feelings and situations with me. I then am able to move on and to get over it. I find myself avoiding those people lately. Instead I have been blocking out the feeling and only focusing on what needs to get done. That's all I want to write about today. Maybe I'll write later.
Today:
No matter what the trial, God will always show forth his love. I am so grateful for the youth. They inspire me. I was told, that in my life I would convince my brothers and sisters of the truthfulness of the gospel. I witnessed that tonight.
This summer was the most eventful I have ever had. Before summer came, I had a busy school year with teaching first grade and organizing an after school club program. I put in long hours trying to be the best at both jobs. So, you can imagine how excited I was for the summer. My husband and I had also been called to organize a youth conference for our ward. I was beyond excited and nervous for the chance to help. We worked to organize the conference. We decided the theme would be 'Mountains to Climb." Inspired by elder Eyring's talk. We would take the youth camping. With the help from some of the youth in our ward, we also planned spiritual moments along with fun activities for the camp. We were getting all set for the day of the camp. Come July, we would have our conference and help the youth to build their testimonies.
A few days after school let out, I got the phone call that put Superman's adoption into play. He was supposed to be born in less than a month and we hadn't even put in our adoption papers. (Proof that God has a plan with everything.) I was completely overwhelmed. Overjoyed, depressed, determined, stressed, truly I was a bit of a nut job. Looking back at it all. And one thing that I couldn't be happy about was that the baby was to be born the same time our conference had been planned for. My heart sank with the thought of not teaching and learning with the youth from our ward. (I bond with most people very quickly and the love I have for them is deep.) I loved the youth. I had been called to be their leader, and they were excited about it too. Unfortunately we couldn't do both, J and I talked with our bishop and asked for help with the conference. And help was found.
The other couple came in and took what we had planned and built from it and made the conference a wonderful experience for all who attended. J and I were able to be with our Superman and also took turns going to the camp for 2 different activities.
I didn't think much about that camp until today. Our bishop stopped us 2 weeks ago to invite us to attend a fireside that would show a video of youth conference. Of course J and I were excited to go, but thought we would sit in the back and just be bystanders. It didn't happen. And as you read from my other post, I was having a very difficult time. I thought church might help me, but I got nothing during the actual service today. But something happened at this fireside. Light. Pure light. The love of Christ overcame me. The youth today have a power about them. I am sure I had it when I was that age too, and it is contagious.
J, Superman and I sat in this fireside watching the slide show of the pictures that were taken during the conference, and we were both a little bummed that we missed out, but so happy that we had a beautiful son instead. A few people spoke, and I'm not going to talk about what they said, but I do want to share the video that was shown at the end. I needed this.
As I watched this, I felt the love of my Father in Heaven so strongly. Superman had fallen asleep in my arms, my husband held my hand, and at that moment I was so grateful for my life. I was so grateful to be in that room at that moment. I was so grateful to know what I know and that I had the opportunity to be part of this great conference, what little part I did play.
After the video, the bishop then asked one other person to share their thoughts, and then looked at me to share mine to end the fireside. I didn't expect this. But my heart was so full and I needed to share what I was thinking. I needed to tell the youth how special they are. I needed them to know that God loved them and that Satan would do anything and everything in his power to make them feel like they are not the person they really are. They needed to know that they are the most important group in the church. They are the defenders (as our bishop pointed out), they are the army of God. As I spoke, I didn't have things thought out, but I spoke from my heart. And, honestly, I don't remember everything that I said, but as I looked into the eyes of some of the youth, I knew I was there for a reason. I knew that something I said helped someone there. I know because everything that was said there helped me and God loves me just as much as he loves everyone else in that room. I realized that last night, this morning and after church, there really wasn't anything wrong with me. I realize now that something didn't want me to be to the fireside, something didn't want me to be in a position to share my testimony and that something almost won. I almost forgot who I was. I almost gave up because the 'unkown' trial was too hard for me to comprehend. If I had let the adversary win, my blog post would be very different. I would be very different.
I wonder what I have missed in the past because I didn't fight. Ya know what, I'm not even going to think about it. Instead I am going to start anew. I will win the fight and I will be a defender of the Gospel. With God's help, I can do all that is required of me. If he wants me to convince my brothers and sisters of the truthfulness of the Gospel, then I will. In pray that I can borrow just a little of that power the youth has and make my testimony contagious.
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