Beautiful Inside and Out

I missed, for the first time ever, church because of my depression. Even on my low days I've gone. I would force myself to go and to participate. That's just what you do. But this Sunday I didn't. I let the depression win. Patrick was feeling a little sick, but really not sick enough to not go to church. 

I had an even more horrible day after making that decision.

Today, one of my students desperately needed to tell me somethig. He kept raising his hand at the most inconvenient times. When this happens I tell the kids they have to wait, and then they can tell me at a better time. Usually it is a personal story they want to share, and sadly we don't have time for them to share in class. So I assumed this little 6 year old had some story to share as well. We lined up to go to another class and he desperately wanted to tell me something. Finally as we walked through the hall I asked him what he needed. He simply looked up at me and said, "You always look so beautiful. And you are always nice." 

"Oh thank you! YOU are so nice! Did you need to tell me somethig else?" I asked.

With a wide grin, he replied, "Nope. I've just been waiting a long time to tell you that."

It was so simple and small, but it made a huge impact on me.

New home

I have never been this tired before. Exhaustion is real and I can't even think how it would feel if I were more tired. I had SEP conferences two weeks ago. 64 first graders and their parents make for a LONG two days of conferences. 8:00 am to almost 9 pm. Breaks only for lunch and dinner. Agh! But it was nice to see everyone. I love them, I just don't love that the school only gives me two days to do them. 

After conferences, I crashed. We moved the week before and my things were, and still are, scattered. It was much worse then. Nothing was put together. I felt like I had no control over anything. Now, I have had two weekends to organize and I am proud to say that the living room is done and decorated, I just need a floor rug and I can call it good. Patrick's room looks great and has most everything where I want it. That was the first room u worked on, but I want to keep adding things to it. The play room for finished today. Well, sort of. Patch and I put together 3 helps and secure them to the wall. I added books and toys to the shelves and reorganized where the toys go. I want to paint the room (it's yellow now, I hate yellow rooms) but that will have to wait. I'm thinking of doing a light gray with white designs. Then I am going to do some canvas painting with Patch to put on the walls. I think it will turn out well.

My room is still a mess. I'm in the middle of doing A LoT of laundry, but it will be ok.

Feelings

My darlings, I've been thinking a lot about you.  One of you are in our sweet family, and Patrick, I couldn't be more happy! I know there are others needing to be part of our family though.  I've always known it, so I thought I would write to all of my kiddos and tell them that I love them.  

Patrick, I love you! You are the first and you are my little comforting wild child. Strong willed, snuggly and a jokester ( already)! I don't know if you will be the oldest.  I've had dreams and I always pictured a dark haired boy as the oldest, a blonde in the middle and a sweet little girl with light brown hair at the end.  Who knows if you will all come that way, but either way, I know you will all come, and you WILL be perfect in every way.

So, I get the feelings sometimes.  Feelings like I need to do something, or not do something.  It's definitely the spirit many times, but I didn't always know that.  I do know that the more I follow the feelings I have, the more they come and the stronger they are.  

Some feelings I want to remember that have happened in the past:

1. Telling nana that I would serve a mission, I was only 10, but I knew I would.  No question about it.

2. Telling my sweet grandma Owen that it was ok to 'go home' heaven, and that I loved her.  She died a few days later.

3. Going to a party in high school that served alcohol (the kids were not supposed to drink), even though it didn't make sense.  I talked to nana and papa about it, and I told them what it would be like and that I know I 'shouldn't go' but that I thought I 'needed' to go.  Papa told me to listen to the spirit  and to do what it told me to.  I went and became a missionary to a friend. 

4. Driving in my car to high school and felt like I needed to slow down.  I didn't, then the voice in my head got louder, "Slow Down!" I slowed down and soon after I had to slam on my breaks because a car came out of know where and I barely missed it.

5. Soo many times on the mission. Feeling drawn to random people.  Bruno and Bockholt. Amazing!

6. Not listening when driving in winter, to Logan.  Felt I should pull over, ignored. Impressed I should pull over, ignored.  Yelled at to pull over, didn't make sense, so I bargained with the spirit that I would pull over when 'I' thought I could.  Fell asleep at the wheel, went off the road, over corrected, took out poles and miraculously was saved when my car should have flipped, but didn't.

7. Random times I feel like I should call, text, write or say something to people that I love and know, and sometimes strangers.

8. Marrying your father.  I didn't get a clear answer, just a feeling.

9. Applying for the job in Smithfield. Wanted to move to SLC, didn't happen because I was meant to work at Sunrise and especially Summit.

10. Soooo many things involving teaching my students, talking to parents and coworkers.

11. Moving into the house in North Logan and being a part of the best 13th ward ever!

13. Teaching many youth in the ward.

14. Moving to Utah County. Definitely didn't want to.  It didn't make any sense, did it anyway.

15. Oh, I forgot, telling our awesome landlord that I had a feeling he should cut down a tree in the north Logan yard.  He didn't and I kept bugging him, because I had a feeling.  Weeks later it fell on the house but luckily only took out the gas line and another tree. 

16. Calling the principal at Cherry Hill Elementary to get an interview. Pulling into the parking lot and knowing that I needed to work there, and then getting offered the job an hour after interviewing. 

17. Buying homes and getting the feeling to live somewhere.

Not always do I following my feelings/promptings, and not always are they right, but the more I try to follow them, the more I learn what is good and what is not.  

Love Me My Hubby!

Today is our wedding anniversary. 5 years and counting. We have been through some rough patches and most likely will go through some more. But I'm grateful to have them because it means I still have Jeff.

5 years ago I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. I knew I loved my husband to be, I knew I wanted to be with him, but I was unsure if it would work out. We were so different! Completely opposite in almost everyway.

As I sat across the alter from him, in the LDS Bountiful temple, I remember thinking, "Oh well... God hasn't told me to leave yet so I guess this is it. I hope I'm doing the right thing." Now when I tell Jeff that, he just laughs at me. I tell him that I had to take a HUGE chance on him and he had to on me. And we are both glad we did.

Marriage isn't easy. It's not roses and passion. It's not electrifying. Dating was. Sometimes I miss that. But, marriage is a companionship, it is love, it is trying to mold yourself into a better version to make the man you love happier, it is family and it can be eternal. 

I'm grateful for Jeff and for his humility and forgiveness. Happy anniversary to us.

Birthday Boy!

Patch,

Wow, I can't believe you are already a year old. You are the sweetest, most curious, army-crawling munchkin I have ever seen. You haven't mastered walking yet, but why walk when you can climb over any obstacle by just crawling? You're soooo fast.

Your birthday party was fun. We had it on your special day and you LOVED it! Nana and Papa A, Aunt Holly and Aunt Shay came. Birth Mommy would have loved to come, but she couldn't make it. She loves that you have a beautiful family and she told me she knows you are meant to be with us, but her heart aches for you to be hers still, and she wasn't sure she could be there without crying. Many memories of placing you have come up for her and so this month has been extremely difficult. She told me that some of her other birth mom friends have gone through similar feelings. I think all birth moms do. It's called grief. Grief is when you lose something that you love so dearly. Not being your mom was the hardest thing that she has ever done. She just loves you so much and I'm sure she will visit you soon. The grief comes and goes for her. We need to give her time and then when she feels better she can love on your sweet, chubby cheeks.

Uncle Erik and his kids wanted to come, but his Jeep wasn't ready yet, so he didn't have a way to drive here. He wants to visit you soon so you can see your funny cousin Kylee and silly cousin Gibson. You giggle at Kylee all the time and Gibby is only about a year older than you so you like to play together. Cousin Emma is on a trip, with her mom, so she couldn't come either.

Uncle Nik and Uncle KC had to work. Aunt RonNell, cousin Max and cousin Harper are still in Englad. Auntie Pay and Brookie wanted to come as made it half way there, but Brooklyn had a hard time and needed to go back to go to sleep early. We sure missed them all.

All of your other Aunts and Uncles from daddies side live far away, but they called and sent you happy birthday messages. Aunt Julia and Uncle Cam wanted to give you kisses as hugs. Their kids, Ryan and Makalya love you too. You would love playing with them. Ryan loves trucks and fixin things. Makayla loves cuddles and is only a year older than you.  Aunt Melissa and uncle Justin sent you a book that cousin Channing loves. He is a few months older and you guys just love playing and laughing. They all love you so much! Grandma Cecy and Papa C sent you a funny doggy card. You giggled at that. Their gift is in the mail and I'm

positive you will love it. Actually we just recovered it!! Wait.... It's a tractor you can sit on, with a tractor book. Oh boy! Your gonna love that.

The birthday started by mommy and daddy coming into your room to

sing happy birthday. You were ALL smiles. You must have been super excited because you didn't take very long naps, so you got a bit winey, but that's ok. 

Dad went to work and you and I cleaned, made you cupcake cake, went shopping for food and balloons, and I put together your truck stroller that Aunt RonNell's family got you. And oh, did you love playing in that! . 

We got you birthday balloons and you were squealing with delight as the woman blew up the bouquet of balloons. I think that was the first time you saw balloons. Your face was priceless when I tied the balloons to our shopping cart. Amazement and awe!! Your eyes lit up like fireworks. Those big blue eys!

When the family arrived we had sloppy joes, baked beans, grapes and veggies. All of your favs! You ate like a champ.

Finally it was time for cake. You were all wide eyed when Dada put the cupcake in front of you. Oh we sang to you too and you clapped and clapped. The cupcake was perfect size for you and you shoved it in your face. Dad was sooo proud. You would have eaten the entire thing too, if daddy hadn't taken the icing off the top. He said you would get a sugar overload.

After we cleaned up everything, and you everyone went home. It was just you, daddy and I. We had one final thing to do. Balloon wishing. I got the idea from a great book called "Heaven is Here". In the book the woman tells her life story about having to overcome an accident she and her husband were in and how she found to be happy on earth. That the most important thing anywhere, is her family. I agree. It's silly, the balloon thing is only barely mentioned, but it stuck in my head, so daddy and I wanted to do it every year for your birthday.

We got together as a family, had you pick a balloon from the bouquet and then we talked about what we wanted our wish to be. We have to keep it secret too! ;) it's just for us to know, but believe me, it's a good one. Then we went outside and gave you the balloon. You held on tight and didn't want to let go. But it was windy and finally the balloon slipped through your tiny fingers and up. Up.. UP... It went. You were mesmerized. No tears, no sadness. Just wonder! This was my favorite part of the day. Me, you and Daddy. An eternal family with a dream. I hope everyone can have that one day. 

I love you more than the moon, more than the stars and more than the universe! I'll always love you.

Own your mistakes

I'm sick of trying to be the good guy all the time. Why is it that some (definitely not all) of my friends think that I am someone so easily set aside. They are not to me. Why, even after someone hurts me, ignores me, refuses to forgive, do I still pray for them, worry for them and care about them. It would be so easy to lay out all of their faults, put it out in public for all to see, spew their poor choices on a canvas, but I don't. I don't want to do that to another human being. I don't want to do that to someone that I love. All I want is a friend that understands that I'm not perfect and never will be, but accepts me for the actual person I am and realizes that I have accepted them for who they are.

Moving has been super hard for me. I MISS MY HOME! I miss my neighborhood and the people who cared about me; I miss my dog, my school, my students, my house, my sister and my second families. Those people forgave me for my flaws. They saw my potential and built me up. All I feel now is crushing. Cushing from people that I have and still will do so much for. They just gave up on me and on my family. Why...because life is hard... Because it can be uncomfortable... Because you don't care about me or us anymore? Who knows why?

 I'm stressed, can't sleep. Mull over what I did wrong. But the thing is... that is exactly what these people want me to feel, wether they know they want it or not. Since they feel pain and heartache,  mine or other's fault, they want someone else to feel their pain. They want to have someone else hurting. They become manipulative, try to place blame for their sadness, become vindictive and want to cause pain. Possibly not knowing that that is precicly what they are doing when they wallow in self misery. I know that because I struggled with that when the depression hit. Do I intentionally want to cause pain.... No! But I tried to sabotage relationships that were good for me. Thank goodness for modern day medication and a wonderful husband and true friends to help me through it. 

I'm not going to let them make me feel like this. I have too many things to love and to fight to be happy for.

I hate to say this, but the world does not revolve around them, me, or any other person for that matter. This is an imperfect world, with very imperfect people. So get over it! Get over the fact that someone is not the person you thought they were, or that they hurt your feelings. Get over trying to blame your sadness on anyone but yourself. I had to. If happiness is a goal, you have to own your feelings, your actions and your life! 

 So, I guess if I were to ever talk to these friends (which I would be glad to... If they ever answer my calls) I would say something like this:

"I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have had similar moments in my life.  I don't, and can never understand exactly how you feel, but I will try my best to listen. To mourn with you and comfort you.  

However, you do not have the right to be manipulative or vengeful toward me or anyone else for the mistakes you have made or the feelings you have, unless I personally caused the heartache you feel. You need to own the things that belong to you. It will not help you to place blame where blame is not due. Though candid, I believe you would agree with me and would feel similar to me if the tables were turned.

Because I love you, sometimes I have told you things that you may not want to hear. I hate when you some one else does that to me, but I'm so grateful for those people who tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. I tell you the truth out of love and I honestly try to do it with compassion, though sometimes I am better at it than other times.

I love you and hope you can find your peace. I will be where, and when you need me, if you will let me. I will never stop praying for you and will always love you. I just hope that you can try to understand my perspective and forgive me for my faults like I forgive you for yours."

I don't know if I will ever be able to say that, but it makes me feel better writing it down. I'm not so hurt anymore. Most it I'm disapointed that I couldn't help my friends more. 

Someone told me that I can't save everyone. I hate that. I refused to believe it. Now I see what they were saying. Someone else told me that I can only help those that want my help. I guess that's true to. I don't like that thought either, but one thing that will always work, is to ask God to help them. I guess I will have to pray and trust God that he will help them when I can't.

 

Arm Hair

Once I thought J's arm was a mouse crawling on me in my sleep. Creepy! He has the hairiest arms and now Patch likes to grab the arm hairs. Ha ha!!!

Jeff found a job! Yay! I'm so grateful, but I'm nervous for him. He will be working with psychiatric patients and I don't want him hurt. However, I'm beyond thankful an have faith it will work the best for my sweet family.

Home loan

I don't think we will ever have a home of our own. Am I ok with that? No. It's too frustratin to think that I had worked sooo hard, but still can't get on my feet. I'm praying Jeff will get a job. I've been putting him through school and it has been beyond hard for us both. He's working hard to find something, but it's not easy.

Packing

I hate everything about packing. My classroom is 60% done. My house is 40% done and wow.... I'm tired. I had to stay at school late to pack. Jeff, patch and I got shave-ice and dinner together and then I had to get back to packing. J said P kept calling, "mama!" As he tried to fall asleep. :( I can't wait until I can be home with him all day. Maybe one day.

 

Hmmm....

I was driving to work today full of gratitude for my sweet boy and husband. Life has been rough the past few months. Moving, jobs, no jobs, baby teething, sickness, regret etc. 

I get stressed. But today I didn't want to feel it. Pay visited yesterday. Random. Part for her but a lot for me. I'm grateful for the visit, even though we had to scour  Walmart for keys. 

Baby boy, you said dada today. Poppy is sooo proud. You also give hugs to teddy bears, you started crawling on Mother's Day and you love saying more using signs. Growing up so fast.

Today I had to teach you no and you felt bad. But you stopped hitting me after I showed you my mad face. The you got extra sweet. I really think you understand. 

I don't want to...

Pride gets in the way of soooo much peace, and it is a HUGE down fall of mine. 

Things to remember not to do or be like:

1. Not willing to ask for a blessing.

2. Not willing to get counsel from a bishop because, "I'm the one that shouldn't need that."

3. Not willing to listen in a church class because I think I know more.

4. Not willing to admit that I'm wrong and instead argue my way around things.

Things to remember:

1. Our wonderful ward.

2. The great example of the church leaders. 

3. Focusing on the youth in all areas.

4. Being loving and inviting all to have fun. 

5. Being humbled by young 14-18 year olds in my Sunday school class.

Job

I got a new job. We felt we needed to move. Felt good about Jeff receiving a job too...He didn't get it. Questioning what we thought we knew. Questioning what our answer was, questioning if we made the right decision. 

This is the scripture that came to my mind. 

Section 123

16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

 (D&C 123)

Meaning of Life

My husband is testing for a Firefighter/Paramedic position tomorrow.  I'm nervous... stressed.. anxious and many other things.  I have been praying and supporting him through this all and while I hope he does well, I don't know what to expect.  He left tonight so he could be there early to test.  That leaves me home with my sweet baby and pooch.

I've been applying for other jobs and thought it would be easy. I have a great resume and references. I was positive that I would be able to find a job, but now I am not sure.  300 applicants for one teaching position... unreal!  And unless I have an in, no principal has a desire to even glance at my application.  They look at the applications that they know of and go form their.  That's all they have time for.  I know it will work out, but boy is it stressful.

However, I am grateful I have the time to write today.  I need it. With Jeff gone, I get to focus on other things.  Usually I would want to spend time with him and I don't get to my list of items to do.  So today is the day the list gets done.

Patrick has started going to a babysitter for the day.  While I am teaching, Jeff is working in the mountains doing hard manual labor.  I'm grateful for the extra income, but it kills me to have to drop Patch off in the morning. Today it was so sweet to see him try to wave a 'goodbye' to his sitter.  He is happy there and he thinks it is fun to play with the other children there.  My friend is our sitter and I couldn't be more grateful.  She and I have been friends for a long time and I can't thank her enough. Still, I am jealous she gets to spend the day with my sweet boy and I don't.  But I would be jealous of someone teaching my class and not me.  Oh, the choices we have to make.

Tonight, as I put Patrick to sleep, we giggled as he popped his binki out of his mouth to pass it to me and then back to him.  He is such a great sharer. He was delirious with sleep and goofy as ever. I put him in his crib and he dozed almost instantly.  So, I shut the door and sat down to enjoy the view from my front room windows, with the sun gleaming through the trees outside.  Not 5 minutes after putting the boy down, he began to cry.  Then he began to wail.  He lost his binki.  Actually he threw it out of his crib.  One day he will figure it out that he can't get it if he does that. So I went in to retrieve it.

I got the binki and  he immediately snuggled on to my breast and fell asleep.  I didn't want to put him down. I needed his love and I needed to give him mine.  I sat and rocked with him for a few minutes, knowing that if I didn't put him back in his crib soon he would start to awake (he is not a cuddler, I have to sneak it in).  I just couldn't put him down. I am sooo blessed.  Even though there is much uncertainty in my life right now, I have an anchor.  So little and innocent, yet so steady.  He has no clue that he is keeping me together.  He and his blonde hair and big blue eyes, a two toothed grin, and the strongest baby legs this side of the country, Patch is my everything.

I never thought I would have a little blondee, and here he is.  Beyond perfect.  I can't help but think, "This might be how my mom thought when she held my brother. The blonde hair, the blue eyes.  Peace and love beyond anything humanly possible." Patch doesn't look like me.  Erik doesn't really look all like my parents either.  Did it matter, does it matter?  Patrick looks like birth mommy through and through. RonNell looks like her birth father, through and through.  Does that matter, did that ever matter to my parents?  No. And it doesn't matter to me. Patrick is my son and I can't imagine my life without him.  How did my mom feel when she held her adopted children?  Probably the exact same way as I feel holding Patch and as she felt when she held me and my other sisters.  Honestly, sometimes I forget that I didn't carry him, it doesn't matter.  I'm just grateful to be able to hold him, dry his tears, kiss his bumps and bruises and watch him grow.  I'm starting to understand the meaning of life. I thought I did before, but Patrick makes it more clear. Family and nothing else.

Easter

Our first Easter together, I'm in love. It was such a calm day. We woke up and frosted cupcakes for my Sunday school lesson. Went to church, enjoyed the great music and loved the lessons. I over shot the amount of batter I needed for the cupcakes so ended up making a lot of cupcakes and took them to some friends. Played with a super big and a super tiny dog. Patch loved it!!! I still over estimated the batter I had, so I made a two layered chocolate Easter cake and gave it to a family of 9 and loved hearing about how excited the kids got. We took naps and played in the yard. Ate homemade Mac and cheese with asparagus on the side and ended the day with the biggest strawberries of my life. Great day! We missed spending it with our extended family, but loved being together.

Bad day

Having a hard day. Had horrible dreams last night and just can't shake 'em. All day I was tired, under the weather, jealous, frustrated and just down.  I pray tomorrow will be better. 

Gratitude

Gratitude goes a long way.  I thrive off of a 'thank you' or 'good job'.  The other day one of my students stopped by to give me some 'brown e's'. Yes, they were e's cut out of brown paper left on my doorstep with a note for April Fool's.  I loved it! Luckily I looked outside just I time to stop them from driving away to share a good laugh.  Such a simple gesture, but the fact that they drove out to my house over our 1st grade spring break was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen.

I need to do more thank yous. Yep! It gives me anxiety thinking about handwriting thank you cards, so until I can get over that I will stick to phone calls or texts.  

Here are some thank you's I want to share now:

1. Thank you to my sweet husband for doing the dishes 90% of the time.

2. Thank you to my sweet boy and his cuddles right before he goes down for bed.

3. Thank you to his birth mom for being my friend.

4. Thank you to my parents for their support in all that I do.

5. Thank you to my siblings for fun times.

6. Thank you to God for everything

7. Thank you to friends who understand, or try to understand me.

8. Thank you to the sky for being so unpredictable. It keeps me entertained.

9. Thank you to science. I love you!

10. Thank you to Charlie for forcing me to take time to go outside and play.

8 months

I'm deflated but at peace. No baby. Maybe onE day. 

Patrick is 8 months old today. I can't believe it. He doesn't seem to be a baby any more. He is a big boy now. We snuggled on my bed watching videos of him on my phone. He loves listening to himself!

Patrick, here are some wonderful things about you that I want to remember.

1. Rolling is the new tummy time. You can't stop rolling around. That's how you get from point a to point b. A lot of the time you roll and get stopped by a wall, couch or parent and you squeal because you want to keep moving.

2. Squealing. That's the best word for what you like to do the most. Sometimes you do it because your mad. Then I calm you down and say, "Be patient. Calm down. We don't throw fits." Then you stop! It's pretty funny. Most of the time you squeal out of delight.

3. The toungue! You learned how to use your toungue to make raspberry sounds. It's stinkin cute. Daddy claims he taught you.

4. You sleep through the night. It's lovely!

5. You go to sleep on your own. 

6. It's hard for you to sleep in someone's arms. You like your crib.

7. No teeth yet, but you love eating almost anything. You do not like peas, beans.  LOVE spaghetti though.

I love my big bubba!

The Juggler's Curse

Often times I feel like a juggler.  Some days I feel like I am a 1st class act with all of the bells and whistles, while the crowd cheers me on as I manipulate with ease the fire-lit batons in a flawless performance.  However, most of the time I feel like 'those' acts from  America's Got Talent where the juggler, at the last minute, makes a fatal mistake and drops the ball only to kill their stage career. Today I feel like the later.  And unfortunately I have dropped the most crucial ball.  My family.

I have many things to juggle and every day one of those things gets pushed aside.  Today I felt like it was J and P.  I didn't want to, but after working from 7:30 - 5:30 and an 11 hour day yesterday, I had nothing left.  My energy was gone.  I got home and sat in the car an extra 5 minutes to just rub my legs because stiffness had begun settling in from all of my walking today.  

My house is messy.  My bed cover smells like dog because I have been too lazy to wash the dog's extra blanket. The dog smells (Charlie always does... Such a boy).  I don't have energy to run the dog so he licks insistently.  Patrick was tired and just wanted me to hold him.  I had to sit so he wasn't very happy.  I lost my temper with Jeff and became whiny. I haven't made a good dinner in weeks. My laundry is never clean and all I want to do is sleep.  Like REALLY sleep. For days! If only I could find a poisoned spinning wheel. Oh how lovely!

Ya know what is worse, I've been having dreams of a baby girl named Denver.  It doesn't leave my mind. I used Siri to call Shay, whom I call often, and it came up as Denver. Siri has never made the mistake of calling some one different when I call Shay.  So, I think...because people have mentioned a time or two that this is 'how it starts', I think, " Maybe I'm pregnant. That's why I am sooooo tired. That's why I'm having these dreams." Then I feel bad, "If I'm pregnant, how can I take care of my family and do what I have to at work."  After that, I feel excited! "I want to know what it is like to carry a child." Following that thought, I'm deflated, "This is all in my head and it won't really happen."  Finally, I feel guilty,  "I have my sweet little boy, and that should be enough." Then I'm back up again and thinking, "Patrick would be the cutest big brother.  He would love his sis forever, with a bit of teasing of course."  Grrrr....! Seriously, this all takes place within a few seconds of my quiet, deep thought.  Usually in the shower, because that is truly the only time I have to myself, without distractions.

I wonder what life will bring.  Will I always be juggling? Will the balls fall repeatedly? I watch stay at home moms and am amazed by how much they do.  They seem to be jugglers.  Some nervous, some calm and collected and some crazy fun. I want to be calm, crazy. I want to put my kids first. I want to be tired from playing in the mud and from cleaning up after a food fight. I want to bake lemon bars and see my little munchkins with powdered sugar faces. I want that to be the ball that never drops. I want to be mom.

Dreaming

I had a dream the other night of a little girl. I was pregnant through artificial insemination, gave birth and then named her Denver. We called her Denny for short because of Pay's brother. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. The nurses weren't sure it really was cancer. Totally crazy. It makes sense to me because this is similar to what happened to my bestie, but why do I still dream of Denny?

Finalization

1/28/2014
Today was an emotional roller coaster.

First: My baby boy!! I can write about you with your name and not be worried about people finding out anymore.  You are mine.

The past few nights I have been overwhelmed, to say the least, and full of excitement and love for the day of finalization for your adoption.  I wanted everything to be perfect for you, the sealing in the temple and for your blessing. I have been trying my best to organize all of the details of the events and invite everyone that I love to join, which is 99.9% of the human race.  I made Daddy help me deep clean the entire upstairs, bathroom, living room and anywhere else we could get to. Personally, I don't like to clean, actually... does anyone? But I clean when I get nervous, and I was so nervous, not because of you, but because I didn't know what to expect.   

Here are a few silly things I did last night because I wanted things to go smoothly. First, I realized after you went to bed, that I didn't have a nice shirt for you to wear.  (You have nice shirts, but I wanted you to wear a little suit. You had a growth spurt last week and the shirts I wanted you to wear didn't fit! Ahhh! (That's how I felt at the time. Maybe I was a bit irrational. I'm over it now.) So, after I read you the scriptures, a few more books, sang some songs and put you down for bed,  I rushed to 5 different stores to find a suit for you to wear. NOTHING.  No one had suits in your size.  :( I did find a very handsome button up shirt and slacks, though.

Second, I had to go to school to get a few things ready for my sub.  Since the beginning of January, I've had to go back to work full time.  You will probably hear me say that I hate getting subs to teach my class.  This is because it takes Mommy, and any teacher for that matter, a lot of time to write plans for someone to take over the class. Well, I rushed to school to print off my sub plans and to get everything ready for the Substitute and my little 1st grade munchkins.  (PS, I have a picture of you on my school computer, anytime I project the computer screen my class ooo's and aw's over you.  "Oh!!!! Baby Patch is just soooo cute!")

Third, when I got home, I noticed that Daddy needed his hair cut.  I have been thinking about this for a while, but since I am busy playing with you and trying to work, I didn't have time to give his hair a trim, so I sat your Popsie down and cut his hair.  He didn't see why I had to do this so late at night, but when I get an urge to cut his hair, I just have to get it done. (I do this with your too. :)  Your hair looks pretty good, cuz I trim it a lot.)

Fourth, I finally got a shower and picked my clothing out for the next day.  I wanted everything ready. Fifth, I got all of your things ready as well.  I tell ya, I was like a mad women, energizer bunny style.  I just kept going!  Finally I crawled into bed and tried to sleep, but my mind was racing a mile a minute and sleep came much later. 

The next morning I was on cloud 9. It was finally here.  Finalization! My heart was bursting with nervous excitement and... well .... PEACE.  Yes peace, even though I was nervous, the peace was still there and very strong. Daddy and I woke up at 8:15 thinking, in our sleep deprived minds, that we didn't have to wake up until 9. Oh know, we needed to be to the courthouse at 9. Thank goodness for cell phone reminders. We made it there at 8:56. You were wearing your new, striped, button up shirt with blue slacks. And your hair, well it was sooo handsome! I brushed it to the side to make you look very professional.  Nothing could have made you look more adorable!

When we got inside the courthouse, the officers checking us in were sweet as can be. They mentioned how happy they were for us and admired your head of hair and big blue eyes.  The building was peaceful with only one other group there.  It felt like the entire world had stopped for a moment and focused only on our little family.  My favorite moment was when Popsie and I were waiting outside the court room for our attorney and caseworker.  The morning sun was shining brightly through the glass windows and illuminated the entire hallway.  You kept wanting to look directly into the beams of light.  Daddy tried to stop you because he thought you might become blind.  At that time, I knew that no matter what challenges our life brought, we were going to be the happiest family in the world.  We had each other.  My heart began to burst even more than it already had.  The tears started forming and I tried to choke them down.  Daddy just smiled at me and gave me a little tease.

When our caseworker and attorney got there, we went over some final details of what to expect and then entered the court room.  We were the first case of the day, but other people trickled in to wait for their turn while we were waiting for the judge.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity!  Our judge was in a meeting that went over and was unable to make it in time.  My anticipation grew and so did my emotions.  I tried to hold it in, but my gratitude was overflowing and I found myself deep in thought about the events of the past 6 months.  Your birth, the open adoption, the way Daddy looks at you when he gives you a bottle in the middle of the night, your sweet jabbers and your tiny hands clinging to my shoulder as we snuggle.  I knew that if the judge didn't get there soon I would completely loose my ability to speak clearly through my hysterical sobbing.  (I so wish I could be one of those people who didn't sound like a drowning cat when they cry.) I cry all the time now.  Happy cries!

While we were waiting the bailiff chatted with us.  She couldn't get over how cute and attentive to the situation you were.  She asked a few questions trying to understand the adoption process.  Her talking to us, and being so friendly, helped to calm my nerves.

Finally, the judge arrived clearly annoyed with whomever kept him at the meeting for so long.    Our attorney warned us that our judge was very serious in the courtroom and to keep our answers free from humor.  I knew this would be hard for your Dad.  He likes to make jokes.  But the judge was kind, he did have a serious demeanor, but I could tell he was happy to be there for an adoption case.

Dustin Erickson, our attorney first asked Charity, our caseworker to go to the stand and answer a few questions.  What is your job?  Did you help with the adoption?  Did you visit their home?  Do you feel like they have bonded with Patrick?  Do you think it would be in the best interest to have Patrick stay in their home? She gave us the clear in all areas.

Then Dustin asked Dad some questions.  What is your name?  Spell it for me?  (Which Dad got a little nervous and stuttered over how to spell his middle name.) What year were you born? Who are you married to?  When did you get married? Then he asked Jeff to tell the judge how he felt about the relationship he has with you.  Daddy said that he loved you and that he enjoys waking up with you at night.  Since he has been able to stay at home with you, he told the judge that he was very grateful to be able to have a chance to be home with you, and that he is looking forward to watching you grow up. (Daddy and you are best friends.)

Then it was my turn. What is your name? Spell it for me? What year were you born?  Who are you married to? When did you get married? And then, when he asked that question, I lost it.  The tears came and the drowning cat sounds blubbered from my lips.  Daddy looked at me and asked if I remembered the answer to the question. I gave him the most annoyed look, like of course I remember! I'm a bit feisty sometimes... ok always.  The emotions just came and I couldn't hold them back anymore.  At that time, the judge sweetly said, "Take as long as you need." Dustin, reassured me and I gained some composer.  The spirit entered the court room.  My heart was bursting, and I started to speak.  It came out so fast that I can't remember everything I said. I do remember that I started by saying that I loved you more than anything.  I also said that I never once thought that you didn't belong with us and that I felt like we were meant to be a family.  I shared how I loved being with you even though you get cranky sometimes and that I want nothing more than to be your mom forever.  After my tear felt statement, I heard sniffles coming from behind me and saw that the bailiff was also in tears.  The judge had a softness to his eyes, Dustin 's eyes were misty, Daddy looked proud and I can't even remember if Charity was crying or not.

Dustin then turned the time over to the judge and he read the prepared statement of the details of the case. He then stated that he has seen that we obviously love and care for you.  That he thought we would be good parents and that from this day forth we will be a family in the eyes of the law.

Immediately, a weight lifted from my shoulders.  A weight that I had become accustomed to.  I didn't realize that I was still carrying it.  I had been worried about the what if's of everything.  What if your birth dad fought the adoption?  What if Mama B changes her mind?  What if the judge says no.  what if we don't get approved.  Even though some of those what if's weren't even possible, the crazy side of me would think about them. But all of the what if's were gone! You became ours.  Officially.  You have always been part of us.  I never thought differently, but it was a relief to have the court see that as well.

Afterward, two women came up to us.  Daddy was getting copies of some documents and Charity and I were playing with you when the women tapped me on the shoulder.  They said that they had been in the court room with us and that listening to how much we love you made their day.  They said their lives were better for being in court today, because they got to witness us turning into a family.  Charity smiled and after the women left she said, "I knew this little boy was going to keep changing lives."  I agree.

We stayed just a few minutes longer and then got into the car and drove to McDonald's to get some breakfast for Mom and Dad.  You were almost ready for a nap. The day was perfect!

Heaven On Earth

Date: February 1, 2014

Patrick, today we got sealed in the temple.  It was amazing! Of course, I couldn't sleep again because so many things were going through my mind.  So, after you went to bed I went over to Nana and Papa A's hotel to spend time with them.  It was nice to visit. I really miss having them live only 30 minutes away.  Nana didn't even look that bad from her accident the other day. She fell a few hours after your adoption on the 28th and cut her face badly on some picture frames. I thought she was going to have lots of stitch-filled cuts around her face, but she only had 2 large cuts on her nose and two black eyes.  I was relieved to see that she wasn't looking like Frankenstein. She still may have to get surgery, but I'm grateful she is okay.

Nana brought your sealing and blessing outfit that Aunt RonNell bought for you.  It's true what all of those Utah Valley women said to RonNell, "It is so cute." It is a two-piece, white, satin suit.  The top had a tie and vest and the bottom pants were ironed with cuffs.  I couldn't wait to see you in it.

Afterward I came home to hopefully go to bed, but then I forgot to get something so then I went to Walmart to get 3 things.  Because I was so tired I ended up wandering around FOREVER!  I should have been in and out, but my brain wasn't working.  I finally got the things we needed for the next day and went home.  Ahhh!  It was so nice to come home and to have the house quiet.  Everyone was asleep and I got to do some writing about placement. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep while writing, but it was a great way to fall asleep.

The next morning I woke up at 5:00 and decided to hop in the shower, get ready and feed you when you woke up at 6.  Usually you sleep until 8:00 I think you must have been excited as well. We let Daddy sleep in and we tried on your new outfit. Guess what.... it barely fit.  the pants were perfect size, but the top was tight around your tummy and a little too short. Curse that growth spurt.  But you still looked dashing in it.

Then Aunt Mele and Uncle Justin came down with cousin Channing to eat breakfast and visit.  You were tired, so we put you down for a nap.  I ate some breakfast and then, too calm some nerves, took Charlie dog on a walk. It was freezing!  But definitely worth it.  The morning was so calm and serene. I wondered why I don't take Charlie on walks every morning.  Then I remembered that I would have been at school by that time so obviously I couldn't.

Well we got ready and as we were about to leave Aunt Holly showed up to babysit cousin Channing, Ryan and Makayla. Your Aunt Julia, Uncle Cameron, Great Aunt Leanne and Great Papa K came by too.  So, getting out the door was a little crazy.  Our house has a small living room. It wasn't a surpirse that right as we pulled out of the drive way I realized we left something  and needed to run back in.  It was your white sealing outfit.  We definitely needed that.

As we drove to the temple, I said a prayer with you and Daddy. And, yes, I did cry.  I was just sooo HAPPY!  This is what I was waiting for.  I had so much anxiety about not being sealed.  Not having you sealed to someone.  I wanted that for you so badly.  It was the perfect drive.  You cooed in your car seat and Daddy and I held hands.  LOVED IT!

We got to the temple and felt a little weird carrying a baby into the temple doors.  Usually only adults go inside, but this was a special occasion.  When we got there, the temple workers treated us like royalty.  We checked in and took you to the baby room.  That is where the children go to be looked after while their parents get ready for the ceremony.  You were so happy to go.  There were two sweet women excited to play with you.

I got ready in the bridal room.  It has 8 small vanities with beautiful mirrors all around so the brides can prepare themselves for their special day.  I was the only women getting ready.  They had many other women there to help me out.  They made me feel like it was my wedding day all over again.  I guess it kind of is like that.  Temple weddings are for a husband and wife to get married for time and all eternity.  If they have children biologically, then those children are automatically sealed to the parents, like the mom and dad are sealed to each other.  Daddy and I already got married in a temple, but since Daddy and I couldn't create you with our bodies, we wanted to have you sealed to us.  We wanted to be a family forever!  Eternity.

As I Daddy and I walked through the halls of the temple going to our changing rooms, I looked at Daddy and was so in love with him.  He is an honest, kind and loving person. At that moment, everything felt right.  Everything was absolutely perfect.  He is the love of my life, and I want you to know that we love each other as much as we love you. Love grows and grows.  I'm one lucky girl.

Patrick, everyone that could be there, was there. So many more people wanted to.  When I saw your Papa Andersen I loved on his face about as much as I loved on yours!  Papa A is my dad and he has made me who I am today. It was hard to see him in a wheelchair, but it was kinda fun pushing him around in it.  Oh, he loves you soo much!  Papa A and Papa C were the witnesses to your sealing. Nana A sat next to me and held my hand and who while the sealer was talking to us.  CeeCee got to hold you at the alter when the ceremony took place.

We got sealed in a very special room called the sealing room.  There are many rooms like this in the temple.  It is where families are sealed together, so they are used often.  In each of these rooms are mirrors on both sides of the wall.  They are there to symbolize eternity. If you look into one, you can see the other and the image of you goes on forever.  There is also a soft cushioned alter where we got to kneel to promise to Heavenly Father that we would take care of each other.  Well, that Daddy and I would take care of you and be your forever family.

Patch, the sealing was so beautiful.  You were beyond happy and quiet.  Aunt RonNell said that she has never witnessed a sealing with a baby that was that good!  I of course sobbed.  I couldn't help it! It reminded me of when I married your father, and how in love I am with him.  It reminded me of my own family and that my siblings, whether they were biological or adopted are sealed to me forever.  It reminded me of Mama B and that she would one day be sealed to her love and that we would be connected to her forever.  AND, It reminded me mostly of how much I had dreamed of you, wrote to you and loved you from even before you were a thought in Mama B's tummy.  I had cuddled with one of your baby blankets month before I knew you were a possibility. Nana had made it and I begged her to give it to me.  She first said no, that I would have to wait until I had kids. I convinced her to give it to me anyway.  (She knew how sad I was that my babies weren't on their way yet.)  So I chose one.  She tried to convince me to wait because some were for girls and some for boys, and she said I needed to wait until I knew what kind of baby would be coming before taking a blanket.  I told her I knew that one day I would have a little boy and that the blanket would be his.  So I chose your blanket, having no idea that you would be coming to us so soon.  Something in me knew that you were coming and that you were somehow part of me, even though I couldn't grow you.

The ceremony took less than a minute, but it is by far the most important ceremony in all the world. You have an eternal family because the gospel has been restored and the blessings of the temple are on the earth again.  Oh, how I hope that you can understand that when you get older.  The spirit was so incredibly strong.  In no way could I forget that moment of our lives.  I wish every family could witness that.

The temple was beautiful. Not just for how it looks, but for how it makes you feel and for what it does for families.  Everything that is done in the temple is to bless families.  To help families be together forever and to get closer to our Father in Heaven.  I wish I could tell you every detail of what happened, but many things are very special and sacred.  I hope that one day you will be able to return to the temple and go back often.  I hope that you will have the desire to make good promises with God and try to be more like him.  That really is all the temple does.  It gets us closer to our Daddy upstairs.

Baby boy, I could write to you all night.  I could kiss you all day, but I should go to bed.  I will write more later.

Baby Football

Can I just say that I love being able to use your name in my posts now. I have been so nervous about sharing details about us and now that everything is finalized, the fear is gone.

Today was yet another amazing day.  I have other post that I am working on, but things have been so crazy that I couldn't keep up with the writing, so they are half finished, and I have to write about what I can remember from today before I forget.

Today is the Super Bowl and more importantly your blessing day. Patrick, everything about today was perfect!   In the LDS church, it is custom that when a new baby is born the Father or another man having the Priesthood give the baby a blessing. A few other men, having the same priesthood join with the Father to give support and to use their priesthood to bless the child. Only one person speaks but the rest of the men circle around the baby and put one hand under the baby to sturdy him/her.  Their other hand then goes on the right shoulder of the man standing next to them.  It reminds me of a football team huddling together focusing on how they can protect the ball. It is truly that way.  These wonderful men pull their priesthood power together to protect you, their ball. Maybe I should start calling you Football Baby.  Whatchya think?

Daddy was like the quarterback of the huddle.  He gave the blessing and it was absolutely perfect in every way. He started off and couldn't hold back his emotions so he began to cry a little.  The entire blessing was very heart felt and full praise.  Dad, even told me that he new he was going to cry. That's why he was so nervous about it.  (He had the worst stomach ache last night because he was so scared to give a blessing in front of so many people.) Mama B recorded the blessing for us.  I don't know if that is allowed or not, but I am so grateful she did. I will make sure to save you a copy so that you can listen to it over and over again. Also, a very sweet women in our ward wrote down the blessing for you.  I didn't even ask her to do that.  How thoughtful.

PS I find that it is much easier to write to you rather than the unknown.  I won't put everything out so that people can see. somethings will be just for you. Like what Daddy said in your blessing.  That will be in a separate area for you to read and listen to. But I think I may write to you in a lot of my journal posts.  I even did that before you were born.  In my personal handwritten journal, there are many entries in there that are addressed to Patrick and our other kiddos, by name.

There were so many people there for your big day. All of your aunts and uncles were there and all of your cousins.  You had both Nana and Papa and Ceecee and Papa C there too.  Also Great Deedee, Great Papa K, Leanne, and Nora came.  Woah!  I only had a few people at my blessing, then again it was during a blizzard. :) There were also many friends of Mommy's and Daddy's that came to support us.  We have a great support group here in North Logan.  People love so easily, and we love them back. Even more wanted to be their but couldn't because of sickness or because they lived too far away. Of course Mama B came with her Bo and Pay and Cory were there too!  What a great day!

Patrick, you are extremely loved.  You are an inspiration to everyone you meet.  Your smile melts me and your hugs are medicine for my tired body at the end of the day.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for choosing us to be your parents, for choosing Mama B to be your birth mom, and to love us like you loved and still love her.

I thought you might want to know that your Papa A, Uncle Nik and Tawnie (my friend from High School shared their testimonies).  Tawnie talked about the beauty of adoption because she is an adoptive mom like me and that God truly knows our pain and loves us.  Uncle Nik talked about the beauty of family and how we got sealed together.  Papa talked about the beauty of the gospel, the time that he found out that we would be adopting you and how blessed he is.  I also shared my testimony.  I will write it down just for you.  It is special.  I will say this, I talked about God playing a loving and important role in our lives.  He wants to be a part of our lives.  And that  I love that your birth mommy wants to be in your life.  I'll write the rest for your eyes only.

After the blessing I went to teach my Sunday school class and Daddy took you home for a nap.  The past few days have been long, you really  needed a snooze.  At 12:45 we had the luncheon.  Well, that is when people started showing up.  We really didn't get eating until 1:05.  Which is normal Utah standard time. We had the luncheon at the elementary school where I work at, Summit.  We set up the tables last night, so most of the stuff was ready to go.  Over 50 people came to the luncheon.  Maybe more.  That is just the number of people that remembered to sign your blessing book.  The food was delicious, and you made your rounds to almost every grown up in the room, and was happy as a clam as well as being very vocal.

I called Mama B and thanked her for coming.  I was so grateful that she came to all of your events. She wasn't sure if she could emotionally.  She still grieves over not being your mommy.  Placing you was the hardest thing that she has ever done, and all of those feelings came back this week and she felt very alone even though she was so happy for you.  The other day, Mama B and I had a good talk and shared a few thoughts through email.  I think it helped her and me to understand each other better and to help her know that she is loved by everyone.  So it was wonderful to see her after the sealing, at dinner, at your blessing and at the luncheon.

I called her after I finished cleaning up the school and told her that today was perfect.  When I first talked to her about how open I wanted the adoption to be, I pictured today. I pictured her coming to big events for you and mingling with both sides of our family and of our family loving her like they love me.  Truly I pictured her being one of my sisters, and being like a special Aunt to you.  It was truly incredible to see how much love people can have for each other.  Patches... you did that.  You brought your birth mommy and your family together forever, and it is beautiful.

Love bug, I am grateful you are mine forever. I will be the best mommy I can be.  You have changed me for the better. My little football.

Date Night

Only 10 more days until my family is sealed together for eternity.  I am sooooo excited! Things have been very good lately. J passed his paramedic tests and now is registered as a paramedic in 49 states.  New York has there one rules. (Of course) He now will be applying for jobs and hopefully we will find something close to home, or we will have to move.  I can't think about that right now though.  I get too stressed about it.

Today we celebrated, we went on our first real date (other than temple outings) tonight.  Superman stayed home with his aunt holly and loved every minute of it.  J and I got out of town, we first area t red lobster which is an hour away and then saw a movie.  It was fun to be just the too of us.  I missed baby dearly while I was gone and made a few calls home, while we were away, but just being alone with my hubby reminded me why I married him.  We talked for the entire ride and the entire dinner, which consisted of 2 lbs of crab legs, a 16 oz steak, mashed potatoes, two sides of broccoli, cheddar biscuits, coconut shrimp and a clam chowder.  We are not big people, well tall, but not wide.  You should have seen the looks on the other customers faces when the two of us pounded down that truck load.  I'm sure they wee wondering where the rest of our party was. 

Our conversations ranged from serious, light hearted, weird to absolutely obsured.  And I loved every bit of it.  Date nights are definitely needed and appreciated.  So grateful.