Winter depressed

I feel so alone!

This was written a little over a week ago. Wow! How amazing is medicine. When the seasons change, I knew that I get more depressed, but since I have been trying to document it, I've noticed it more. The medications I am taking have helped a great deal and I was doing superbly well. Then when it started to get dark around 5 and the winter weather hit, something drastically changed. I wanted to die. I wasn't suicidal, but would have rather been gone. Jeff couldn't do anything for me. I didn't want to go to church. I felt even worse when I did. I questioned every little thing and almost decided to not believe in God. The entire time I fought and fought, wondering what was wrong. Then it dawned on me that I should start talking more depression medicine and up the dosage. It took 3 days to see a difference, but now I am back to normal.

Thank God for modern day medicine. 

I still question many things and my belief in religion, but I've always done that however, I have my drive back to learn more and read the scriptures. 

Speaking of, I found this today while I was rereading one of my old scriptures:

I need to remember this. This is why I chose to be Hardy at Oakcrest. I looked up in the thesaurus and searched for a good and powerful word to pick my camp name, and I settled on Hardy: meaning courage. I'm not really courageous, but I try to do what I can to say what needs to be said and overcome challenges of the heart, mind and my surroundings. I fail miserably most of the time, but at least I'm trying.

Latest church policy

How am I to show love to all and still believe in what I do when they often times come to a head with disagreeable views? I still believe in the power of priesthood, Christ, God, the temple and the sacrament. However, I have struggled a lot with the LDS church stating a new policy that requires children of same sex couples wait until they are 18 to be baptized and then also get special permission from the first presidency to go on a mission and to denounce the ways of their family. 

First off, I do understand the importance of the statement and to clarify the commandments that we believe in.  And I do mean to say 'we'. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin. I also think that many other things are sins and I do not have the right to judge others for the way that they sin.  However, I do still believe that I must support people in whatever way I can, as a human being. I love my LGBT friends and am happy for them to find love and to be happy. 

I don't understand why people struggle with certain temptations, I do think that it is not alway a choice either. I think that often times people truly are attracted to the same sex. Why I am against acting on it is the fact that I believe strongly in a child being able to live with a father and a mother. That its self is also tricky. As an American, I support gay marriage. I think it is beautiful for people to be able to show their love and devotion to each other. And I in no way should prevent them from making that official. But I do have very mixed feelings about the adoption or rearing of children in a union of same sex couples. In one aspect, I do not support it because I believe in the value of seeing both sexes interact in such a way to allow a child to see the strengths of both. Then I think of so many children who are not in a home with caring parents or who are alone in this world. They deserve love as anyother child does. And many of my LGBT friends would make the most loving parents. They would raise their children the best they can and show them love and goodness and allow them to believe in what they wish. Who am I to stop a child from getting that love. There are plenty of people who treat their children poorly, neglect them, abuse them, ruin their lives! Aren't they worse than loving parents of the same sex? 

Of course those people who treat children poorly are worse. 

Mathew 18

4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

This all confuses me. Ugh...

Eye of the tiger email

Date of time this happened: June 2016 (around that time)

 I should have written this before, but I didn't and now I have forgotten a bit. I was having a hard time with patience being gone. It hits me really hard still. It happens less, but when it does its overwhelming. As for something about me, I hate having emails that are unread. I will check my phone often to make sure that I don't have any missed emails. This time, there was always one.  It drove me NUTS! I searched each email that I had and I couldn't find where the message was. I went through every email with in the past year and it was not there. It was literally haunting me because my OCD came out. It was a few months when I has finally determined that my email/emails were broken. Then, one day I had this feeling that I should look again.  So I searched and found an email from Patience.  It was from a long time ago and I remember reading it, checking it and moving on.  So to see that it was unchecked again was a little miracle. And I have to make sure that you know that since that email, I had for a year had my inbox empty. How this happened I do not know, but I hope it came from her.  At least when it happened, I knew that it was, but I'm really having a hard time with it now since the adoption fell through.

Kissing

 We went to the 'elite' oakcrest group, Patch and I. It was at Big Boobs Mcggee's house... AKA... Mama Britt.

Thoughts:

Love her home

Chris is great for her

Met knew people

Loved them

Socialized and felt normal

Think my mess help me to act like myself

Patch is the sweetest

I miss Pay

1. Pay gave Britt her Oakcrest Name. Britt never worked at Oakcrest, but everyone lies her and she can make her way into anyone's heart.

2.Patrick was the only kid there becaus I didn't want to leave him. :) He loved playing downstairs with a motorcycle and kitchen set. He cooked us food and passed out cupcakes for everyone to eat. This also included him passion it around while hiking it with an oven mitt. CUTE!

He went pee in the potty like a big boy, because even though things are steadily, he wants to potty train himself. Then he walked around with a cute naked bum asking for praise since he peed in the potty. When it was time to clean up. He put started putting all of the kitchen toys back wear he found them. I did not prompt it. That was all his own. Then he proceeded to give kisses to EVERY object I. The house. Vacuum, kitchen, dollhouse,motorcycle, brooms, and much more. He refused to give kisses to verity because he wanted to kiss other things. Ha ha ha! Oh and we talked all about energy from solar power and wind power while driving. He was very intrigued.

3. My dad is really declining. I have made other posts, I'll have to put them in this journal. We have all been stressed, so tonight was very needed.

Bipolar and happy

I have bipolar depression. Who knew? Actually if anyone really knew what it looked like, they would have pinned it a long time ago. It's the typical type A, over achiever, teacher of the year personality with a serious depression attached.  I am like the energizer bunny most of the time, but I get going so fast that I lose control of my emotions that it sends me into depression. 

Im not crazy. It's not bipolar the way that most people think of it. I'm not manic (well, sometimes, but that's just because I'm crazy fun :) but I just have highs in the sense that I get hyper focused and then crash when my body doesn't get enough sleep or when my depression hits. I'm on meds now. They seem to be helping and the depression pills finally seem to be working. I see a big difference and so does Jeff. I take the same depression medicine as before, but now I add a mood stabilizer. I should have known, both of my sisters are on mood stabilizers and depression meds. I guess it runs in our genetics. I can totally be honest when I say I am grateful for modern day medicine.  I feel like I am back , like I've been away for a long time and just watching myself go through the motions.  It sounds weird but I feel more like me than I have iin over 12 years. It's beautiful. 

That doesn't change the fact that the most wonderful things have happened to me while I struggled with knowing who I am and feeling complete. My lover boy, who found me and convinced me to give him a chance. I am sooooo glad I did.  He has stuck with me through thick and thin. He learned about depression and tried everything he could to understand me. And the patience. I don't know where he gets it, but I couldn't do it without him.  He is my soul mate and even though we are totally opposite, we have now turned into one comodity. Jeff and Cort, Cortney and Jeff. We are a package and I never want that to change.

Then there is my one, little, true, bundle of joy that encompasses my entire heart and glues everything else together. He fills all of the holes and inspires me to be better. My little boy, who makes me believe in God all over again, every minute of everyday. He is my miracle and my medicine.  He makes me feel complete even though I know I'm not perfect. He loves me even though I get sad, mad, tired or just cranky.  He does too ;). And we have so much silly, crazy and wacky fun together. What would I do without baby Ander? I know that my heart would have gaping wounds that would never have been able to heal. He really has changed me for the better. Cortney's miracle.

The other day Patrick told me he loved me for the first time. He says it when we tell him to, but this time he actually said it before anybody else did. We were cuddling on my bed and he got this look in his eyes and whispered, "luv ooo mommy." And then gave me a kiss. Talk about heart melting. How am I so lucky?

Patrick is growing like a weed. He talks up a storm and loves to read. He asks to sleep with books instead of stuffed animals. We got him off the Binki at nights, but Rosa is working on taking it away for nap times at daycare.

He likes to sing to himself, fix things, cook, wash dishes, take care of the dog 'best friend', and get gas. :) oh and he prays for lawn mowers, chainsaws, weed wackers, tractors, motorcycles and trucks. Man I love that kid. 

Random note, I have a new friend too. Her name is Kathryn Ehlert. We a so similar. Same hair, tall, glasses, teach1stgrade, gluten free, no friends, and infertile. Truly, it's a little weird how similar we are. She is an intern and having quite the hard time. I help her a lot. I like to help. This is the first time since Pay died that I feel like I can open up to someone new. Now I'm crying. Why did that sweet girl have to go? Seriously, I know it is selfish, but i just want her back. I can still make new friends, but I sure miss my old one. Maybe I can talk to her in my dreams tonight. The last time I saw her in my dreams, I started crying in the dream because I missed her so much. She just looked at me and then the other people around me and gave them this look like, "don't worry, she will be okay." Then she gave me a wink and a smile and we continued working on the project we needed to finish.

I'm rereasing this and realizing how random it is. I guess that is what happens when I don't write for a while. Huh, oh well. 

PS why do people use 😹 some people love the sticker/whatever, but I don't get it. I'd much rather read an actual word. Who knows, maybe my opinion will change. (I realize that was random, but I accidentally clicked on one and it came into my sentence, so I had to write about it.

Letter From Jeff (3-4-2012)

I'm scrolling through documents on our computer and trying to organize it.  This is a gem that I found.  Jeff is so sweet

(3/4/2012)

To: Cortney Clemmer

When I saw you for the first time at Ruby Tuesday, I thought you were beautiful.  I liked your long dark hair, your facial expressions, and your spunk.  I thought that we would have so much fun if we went out.  I know I was a little unique on how I asked you but it worked didn’t it?  I did enjoy our first couple dates.  I had so much fun.  You were different then all the girls I dated before.  Over time I started to really like you then I started “liking you a lot”, then “loving you a little” then “loving you a lot”.  I’m so grateful that you decided to marry me.  I know at first you were nervous, I was too.  As days/weeks would go by that love increased 10 fold.  Now it’s hard trying to put my love into words.  I’m happy that we are trying to have a baby.  I do want a little Cortney with spunk or a little Jeff with freak outs.  I think that will be so fun and hard but I believe God wants us to start having children now. 

Thank you for being the best, sexiest, sweetest, coolest wife ever.  I know I married a girl out of my league.  I think you are a trophy wife.  I love you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!

Love, Your man from Hawaii 

Embarrassing!

My dream last night:

I was at my old house in Tremonton, with its large floor plan and unfinished downstairs. My family was there and I was late for work (mack's drive -in). It was dark and a bit damp outside so I wanted to take the truck, but I couldn't find the keys. While looking for the keys, I realized I needed to use the restroom, but I didn't want to be late for work so I searched and searched as my bladder filled with more and more liquid. Finally, I found the keys and rushed downstairs to go out the back door. Suddenly a bathroom appeared in the corner of the unfinished basement. Odd... Yes, but that is how dreams are. Since the bladder was near explosion, I sat on the pot and squeezed the lemon. I hoped I wouldn't be late, but the bathroom couldn't wait. I was so relieved and then I felt it... The warm and wet liquid and then I woke up.

End dream:

I peed the bed... No joke! I cannot believe it. 30 and still not potty trained. I must have been in a DEEP sleep. As I felt the bed I realized what was going on and ran to our bathroom. So terrible.... I know! But, I found out later that I have a raging UTI. I get them frequently, but have NEVeR wet the bed. Seriously! 

This one is actually pretty bad. The doctor thinks that it has gone into my kidneys. Which I can sure feel it. This one came on so suddenly and hit full force! Ugh! Luckily the pain isn't too terrible. I have prescriptions for the infection as well as for the pain. 

On another side note, Jeff has an embarrassing story too. He accidentally told one of the doctors at his work that he loved her! Ha ha. He was meaning to send the text to me, but somehow he got it mixed up and sent it to Dr. V instead. Good thing she has a great sense of humor. 

Well, Cory is hear visiting. It's good to see him. We have long chats about Pay and life in general. He really is such a good friend. Jeff is getting closer to him as well. They did two cross fit workouts together. I bought a milkshake and watched. ;)

I'm Not Crazy

Jeff and I gave a lesson today on journal writing for the 12-14 year old class at church. So we pulled out a lot of journals and started reading entries from them. Jeff's were so funny. They all talked about food. Ha ha! I realized that many of my entries were emotional ones. I need to start writing not just when I 'need' to. Writing for me is either therapeutic or drudgery. It's nice to write my thoughts down so that I can think through everything, but now I'm realizing that there are More entries where I am frustrated than those that are happy. This is not because I am crazy, it's because when things are good, I don't take the time to write. So here I am saying that my life is not all bad! It is wonderful and good. 

Wait, I just realized that if people read this, they will only be reading the happy posts. I don't Post all of my frustrating moments. I'm only writing this one to prove to Patrick that I'm not horribly crazy. 

Neurologist

I had a good day today. Patch is full of joy, curiosity and frustration. It takes everything in me to e patient with him sometimes, but I did. I took him to daycare today so that I could go with my parents to the neurologist. I Jason ask some tough questions and see what the next steps are for my 74 year old father with Parkinson's. No one wants to discuss it, but we have to. Emotionally it is hard, and I am not really allowing myself to think about it today, but I do need to talk about it. 

The rest of the day was productive. I went to school, emailed, made phone calls, took care of a receipt issue, talked to a friend, got a temple recomend and had a conference call about the art sketches for the book. 

I also saw a woman at the stake presidents office that doesn't like me. That made me feel bad. I also have a lot of mixed feelings about foster care. Ugh, poor kids! But I'm not sure what to do because I also have to think about what is best for Patch. My heart hurts now, but I was ok overall today.

Infertile

We found out that we can't have any children. I thought I was ok with it, but I'm not. There is no option for us. Jeff is totally infertile. This entire time I thought it was me. I'm so angry. I know there are much worse things, and that makes me feel guilty for feeling this way, but I can't help it. This is the worst thing in my life. I love adoption and foster care. I love my son and even though he has none of my genes, that doesn't change anything About who he is and what we are. He is my son and I'm his mother. But I hate the fact that God has taken that option away from us. I'm so mad at him. I want it to be my choice on how to find my kids. Why is it that so many assholes can have children and we can't even try! 

I'm so alone. All I want to do is talk to Pay about it, but I can't. I feel like I have to be strong for Jeff because the minute I broke down crying, he did too and I then shut off my feelings to help him. I understand what it feels like to feel broken. It sucks! I wanted to give him a baby, but I couldn't. Now the tables turned and he is feeling what I felt, and I can't make it worse for him. 

I can't talk to Patircks birth mom because that just seems too wired for me now. I already told her, but I was in this 'metal armor' mode where I didn't feel anything. I talked with a counselor this Wednesday as well and she did t help me at all. I couldn't let her in to communicate with her. I didn't want to feel. 

I don't know what I want now. Part of me wants to shut down and sleep. The other side wants to jump off a cliff in a flying squirrel suit and the other side of me wants to say 'screw God and all the bullshit that the 'gospel' teaches.

I definitely don't want to pray to God or to read, listen or think about anything LDS. All I feel is pain and anger. Why did my friend die? Why did God make Jeff infertile? Why do kids have to be born into horrible situations? How can an addict give birth to 10 kids and I can't even do it once? How can he allow innocent kids be born by disgusting humans? 

I know the answers. Life is not fair and many more 'Sunday school answers' but I don't care. I'm sick of trying to put up a front and act like I'm ok with this world. I'm not. And if one more person is going to tell me that things will be okay or that God has a plan for me I may scream! Who are they to say that? They don't know me or my relationship with God. That is such an asinine comment. And bless the person that says, "oh, I know someone who wasn't able to have kids, but they got pregnant after adopting!" I may kill them. 

I don't have that option. NO OPTION! NONE. And the only person that would somewhat understand is dead.

Pee pee!

Patch is talking so much more now. He repeats everything we say and is truly communicating with us. I would say that he understands 80% of what we say, and if he doesn't he asks. It's so fun to hear his sweet voice saying,"Happy Day!" He also loves to say names, and will go through every name he knows when we are driving home from daycare. 

He loves daycare. His best friend is Robby, an autistic 8 year old. He is the sweetest kid. Then there is Alex and Payton. Payton is the same age as Patch and they get into trouble mischief together. Payton also loves giving Patch kisses and will try and find him at church as well. Alex is Payton's older brother and loves speaking in Spanish and Enlish to Patch. 

Today was. Fun day. patch is learning to tell us when he needs his diaper changed, and we are trying to help him understand the difference between number and number 2. He woke up today and told me, "I poop." Which he did so I changed his bum and praised him for telling me. We had a chat about how we don't like poop in our pants and we want to put it in the potty instead. He agreed the whole time. Then we played and had breakfast. Hours later, I pulled out the potty from under his crib. (We bought it a while ago, but he goes through phases of being interested and not. So I had put it away.) the minute he saw it he said, "I peepee!" And started to sit down on it. I helped him off with his clothes and diaper, gave him a book to read and he sat there. Nothing happened. He then asked for milk and snacks. So I left him there, sitting naked on his turtle potty and came back to him stomping his foot up and down, grinning. He went potty all by himself and he was so proud. 

He did it again after his nap and continues to ask to poop in the potty. We haven't done that yet, but maybe soon.im not pushing him to do anything, but I do want to support him as much as I can while he is interested.

February

Patrick, I am so happy that you are my son.  I am sitting in relief society and can't think of any things but you.  Hear are the wonderful things about you. You love to have bananas whole.  You walk around the house with the entire banana in your hand snacking on the ends.

Your favorite words are mama, dada, nana, nah(banana), daw (doggy), no and mostly you love to say OWIE (for everything). You also say, wtsat (what's that). And you try to copy everything. So sometimes you say other words, but I'm not sure what you are saying all the time.  You just like to jabber.

You love to eat spaghetti, broccoli, tomatoes, hummus, yogurt!!!, cheese, Hawaiian rolls, almond milk, water. You really don't like to drink juice, milk makes you sick and you gag on applesauce. I think it is a texture thing.  Oh, you love eggs! We put tons of vegetables in there so you can eat it. You eat ALL the time.  You love food and are a good eater.  The other day, you put you food on your Head, and usually you have it all over your tray.

Your favorite thing to do is to feed the dog your left over scraps.  Mom and dad don't think it is fun, but you do! Jack loves to sit by your chair when you eat, sometimes we have to put him in the other room.

 

You said your first word in Spanish the other day.  (Comer) it means 'eat'.  Your daycare provider, Rosa, said she was sooo surprised.  I wasn't, you are super smart and not surprised that your first word had something to do with food.

Georgia

Patrick,

I am flying to Georgia and thinking of you!  I already miss you and I haven’t been gone for very long yet.  I usually see you in the morning.  Yesterday you were so funny. I had to go to work and was running late, like usual (luckily my principal understands), and I went in to wake you up. You were sound asleep lying on your tummy with your bum in the air.  You love sleeping like this.  So I snuck in and whispered, “Hello!”  You wiggled awake and gave me the biggest grin.  Then you sat up and gave me that mischievious look that you give to me when you want to do something funny, and you crouched back down and covered your head with your hands, and giggled.  I looked at you and thought that you were the perfect little boy.  I loved the toothy smile and the silly laugh, the goofy looks, and the sneaky hiding.  Everything was perfect for that moment.  I didn’t care that I was running late or that I had to change your stinky bum. I just wanted to stay with you forever, tickling your back and rubbing your little feet. 

I always wish that I could stay home with you, but I know you love going to daycare.  Every morning I ask you, “Do you want to go to Rosa’s?”  And you always say with and excited voice, “KAY! YOSA!” She adores you and everything that you do.  Her husband loves watching you eat, because you pound the food like no other child they have had.  I don’t blame you, you are a growing little boy, in body and mind.

I can’t believe how smart you are!  You can twist lids on and off and if the lid is too tight, then you bite the lid with your teeth and twist it off. We have had to hide many things from you because you can now get into EVERYTHING.  You are also enjoying drawing with crayons and singing the ABC’s.  You like to count and I’m trying to teach you to say how old you are, by using your fingers.  So far, you aren’t that interested.  Actually, you get mad at me if I ask you too many times. 

On another note, Mama B came over last Saturday.  It was so good to see her. She came the week before that as well! She came over before, because she missed us.  Since Aunt Pay died, Mama B and I have needed a lot of support from one another.  We just miss Pay sooo much.  Well, she came at the perfect time. About a month before that, you had RSV, and ear infection and Croup.  It was so hard to see you coughing and in pain.  Then you got better and within a day, your cough came back and you were super sick!  When B came, you were sick and Daddy was at work.  I had a feeling that I needed to take you back to the doctor, to see if there was something else wrong.

Mama B was so kind to come with us to the pediatrician.  It was Saturday and we were lucky to make it in.  The pediatrician checked you out and said that he thought it might be pneumonia. Pneumonia!!! Agh! I was freaking out inside. I did everything that I could to prevent that, and we had made many different doctor visits to make sure you were over the RSV and Croup, but the pneumonia still came.  I was so glad to have Mama B there, because I would have had a hard time without her.  We then had to take you to the hospital to get a chest Xray, and you were a PRO.  The xray technician had to take a front chest xray and a side.  I sat you down on the table and you were so excited to get your ‘picture’ taken.  I stood by you and made you smile and the Xrays were perfect.  Oh, and you were flirting with all of the nurses and teasing them while we were waiting.  They all thought you looked so much like Mama B. Sometimes, I get sad that you don’t look like me and that people don’t notice that you are my son, but I was so grateful that when the nurse told Mama B that you looked like her, she replied that I was your mommy and that she was the birth mom.  I think that must have been hard for her to do, but I was grateful.

I have to admit, even though I sometimes feel sad that I don’t look like you (not that you don’t look like me… I could care less what you look like, but I just want me to match you. Oh, boy, I hope no one takes that wrong.), I am so glad that you look like someone and that you have a relationship with her.   I’m so glad that you can see yourself in your birth mommy and know where your body came from.  That makes me grateful.  Also, I know that you have a brother and sister out there.  They don’t have the same birth parents as you do, but I know that we will find them one day.  As for them, I hope that we will be able to have an open relationship with their birth parents, but if we can’t I am okay with that too, and I know that your dad and I will love them no matter what!

So, my flight is almost over and I’m still thinking of you.  I always think of you and am so grateful for the promises of the temple.  I can’t wait to see you in two days.

Dreaming

I've been told that I have a gift of seeing angels and to be able to dream dreams from time to time.  It's happened before. Actually plenty of times before, but not often are they this real.  Last night I dreamt about Pay.  It was weird, like all dreams are, but very real at the same time.  It started off with a group party, like a reunion, very similar to the open mic, but with tons of rooms and a dining area.  A ton of people were there, eating and sharing thoughts of life.  As we were watching a clip, of some sort, I saw Pay. She was at the front of the room, next to the screen, just chillin on the floor. Alone and quiet. I went up to her and told her that I missed her. She said she missed me and everyone, especially Cory and Brooklyn. Then she said that she wished she could be around. She was worried that people couldn't see her and she wished that they could. But, Pay also said that she was doing well and I could see that she was beyond happy.  She looked a little younger and her eyes were BRIGHT and full of life with a little twinkle of mischief. Oh, and they were so  striking, almost piercingly blue. She was BEAUTIFUL, BEYOND BEAUTIFUL! 

 I told her about things that I worry about and talked to her about some of my imperfections and insecurities.  She was beyond comforting to me and then we went about talking to other people, but would secretly find a corner to have another heart to heart every so often, just like we always do.

 I met Cole Michael there too.  He looked more like Brandon, Pay's cousin, but he was different. Plus Brandon and the whole Bush family was there already, so I knew it had to be Coley.  He looked like the pictures of Cole Michael but older with light brown hair. He was extremely handsome, humble and strong in mind.  Everyone in the room was extactic to meet him.  We all got in a line to give him a hug and tell him how grateful we were to finally meet the boy who changed our lives. Pay lingered around as we all took our turn hugging him.  It was as if she wanted to give the spotlight to someone else, or because not everyone could see that she was there.  Cole was gracious, kind, and sweet but acted as though he had a mission, so didn't chat for long.  After the hugs, he went back to his table to continue talking/teaching people I didn't recognize. 

At the end of the dream, as Pay was saying goodbye, she mentioned how she wished we could all see her. I then showed her the footage from all of the gatherings we had for her and in every picture, there she was, looking at the movies, standing in the crowd or sitting next to someone. Also, there was something different about her.  I didn't realize this at first, but now as I write, I realize that she had no anxiety.  She was sad that not everyone noticed that she was there, but completely at peace and happy.  She wanted people to know that she is close by, but she was fine. It was like she had no worries about herself, none. No insecurities, or sadness.  All of her worry was for others and wanting to let them know that she was there. I've never seen Pay without anxiety.  I've never seen her so calm and collected.  She was colpletely perfect and I loved being with her.

I can't tell you how much peace this gave me. I was actually late for work because I woke up and told Jeff that I had a dream about Pay and then I went back to sleep to talk to her some more.

On Friday of her funeral, I think I saw her too.  I woke up to someone repeating,"Cortney" over and over again. I woke up and thought for sure that it was Jeff.  Then in my tired mind, I thought it might be Patch, which is ridiculous, he is only 19 months old. But both boys were asleep. Then I looked toward the end of my bed and standing in front of my closet was a shape, not quite clear, but humanlike.  It didn't scare me at all, I actually laughed and thought these words, "Pay, leave me alone.  I'm going back to bed. I'll write your talk when I wake up." Then I did just that.  Not thinking anything else about it, until later when I woke up and started thinking clearly.  Then I realized how weird that was, but completely happy about it.

You Get What You Give

I just lost my best friend and I have cried numerous times.  She has asked me to speak at her funeral and I don't know what I am going to say.  I don't think I will know what to say until I am saying it.  I felt her last night as I was praying, "I trust you, you will do well.  I asked you for a reason," I felt like she said. Oh boy, there she goes, putting me on the top of the totem pole again. :) She always did that, I never understood why, until a week ago.  I realized she does that with everyone, because she truly thinks that everyone is the most important person. Anyway, I still don't like it, and I tell her that all the time, so she tries to tone it down.  I have to admit though, it does make me smile when she says things like that, it just makes me feel embarrassed. Anyway....

I'm supposed to be working at school, I have the day off but I have to get things done so I can go to the funeral on Friday, but, I am writing instead.  As I was sitting here thinking of her and jamming out to some great songs on the radio, one of Pay's song came on.  I rarely here it on the radio.  She made me a CD with some amazing songs on it and I listen to them over and over again since she gave me the CD almost 10 years ago.  The song came on and I immediately paused and smiled. "You Get What You Give".  Did she ask God to do a little favor and inspire someone to put that song on, did she ask him to inspire me to turn on the radio at just the right time?  I hope so, I hope she can still be herself even though she doesn't have a body anymore.  I hope she can be herself and still do things for others.

The song is great to listen to, but a bit extreme at parts.  However, whenever I get down, I love to listen to it.  It reminds me of her and I can't help but to dance when I hear it.  I turn it up loud and just ignore the rest of the world around me.  Not all of it reminds me of her, but these lines do.

"You Get What You Give"

Wake up kids 
We've got the dreamers disease 
Age 14 we got you down on your knees 


First we run and then we laugh till we cry 

But when the night is falling 
and you cannot find the light 
If you feel your dream is dying 
Hold tight 
You've got the music in you 
Don't let go 
You've got the music in you 
One dance left 
This world is gonna pull through 
Don't give up 
You've got a reason to live 
Can't forget you only get what you give 

This whole damn world can fall apart 
You'll be ok follow your heart 
You're in harms way 
I'm right behind 
Now say youre mine 

[chorus]

Fly high 
What's real can't die 
You only get what you give 
Just dont be afraid to leave 

Don't let go 
One dance left 

I've been wondering why I am okay with her dying.  I wasn't for a long time.  God told me, very directly, that she would not die so I trusted completely and fasted, prayed and even cut my hair to make her a wig. But, I think that is why I am ok with it now that it has happened.  I am ok because of those words he spoke to me when I was in her hospital room.  She hasn't died.  Her body has separated from her spirit, but she is still as real to me as when I saw her on Saturday.  Actually, I think she is even more real, because she is not limited to the disease.

She became so sick, so scared and so anxious.  I don't think she is anymore.  I think she has always had the dreamer's disease.  She sees the positive in people and lived her life to the fullest.  Sometimes she struggled with seeing the positive in herself though, but now I think she can see that more clearly and knows the whole reason of her life and understands it.

When I die, I don't want people to be devastated.  I want them to celebrate.  I have always thought that.  If they must grieve, then let them, but I want them to be happy for me that I can finally have the veil lifted and to understand the entire picture of my life.  I'm happy for her and a bit jealous.  I don't want to die yet, because I want to live for my family especially Patch, but  I know she has that understanding that she has so desperately been asking for and I can't help but to be a bit jealous.

I am sad that her family and friends are behind and are devastated to lose her, but its' weird, I am not worried about her at all anymore.  I have complete faith that she will be able to reunite with her sweet baby and live eternally with her wonderful husband. And when that time comes, this life will seem as though dream that only took a night of her time that she actually gets to spend loving on her family.

This might offend some people, so I don't want to share it with everyone, but those are my feelings.  And I keep reassessing them and then finding the same conclusion to my thoughts.  She is fine, more than fine and I think she wants to make sure everyone is fine, more than fine, too. So I guess this is where the rest of us come into play.  We now have to be her workers.  We now have to be what Pay can't be anymore.  We have to be the ones to put others on the top of the totem pole.  We have to make others feel loved and to help them to grow and maybe even be a bit more of a performer like she. This will be hard for me, but I want to live my life so that I can make her, and all of the other people who have passed on before me, proud.

I do think that her miracle has happened. I think that miracle is Christ.  I just didn't realize that the miracle had happened 2015 years before.  She has already had plenty of miracles hear, and I am sure she will, if not already has, tell people all about them.  What a lucky group of spirits are in the spirit world now.  They get to have Mrs. Patience Bush Boheme be their life coach.  I'm happy for them too.

To Pay

What to say?

No words come.

Feelings

Feelings

Feelings of love

Love and fear

Love, fear and disparity 

What to say?

Zero

What to do?

What can be done?

Troubled 

Troubled 

Troubled in heart

Heart and mind

Heart, mind and soul

What to do?

Nothing

What to ask?

Who to beg?

"My Lord my God, shine light!"

Ask for joy

Joy and peace

No, ask for God.

Ask for Him!

Ask for all that he can give.

Who to beg?

God

Miracles happen.

Constantly 

surprising us.

Making us see.

Helping us grow

stronger.

Stronger and wiser

Stronger, wiser and more humble

Morphing us into something new.

Changing those who are around

Opening eyes that have been closed 

Softening metallic hearts

Miracles happen.

They will happen.

It must happen.

Hope